Saturday, October 2, 2010

Phantom Of The Opera

Once upon a time, Claude Rains thought a publisher was trying to steal a concerto he wrote. So, like any rational person would, he killed the guy. The dead guy's wife grabbed a convenient nearby cake pan that had some green water in it and threw it in Claude Rains's face, horribly scarring him.
Then some people sang for way too long.
Okay, I know I'm very shaky on the story of The Phantom Of The Opera, but I think this movie followed it even less than the Robert Englund one does. Mainly because, this one doesn't really have a story. It has extended opera sequences.
It's a very 1943 kind of movie. The drama is melo, the color is techni, the music is boring (non-musicals that focused on music were not great back then) the women's voices are all so shrill only dogs can hear them and the two guys (other than the Phantom) vying for Christine's affections look exactly the same so it doesn't matter who you're rooting for.
The two guys both liking Christine was supposed to be the comic relief, them both always being around and speaking at the same time, and Christine never choosing between either of them because in this version Christine's entirely self absorbed.
Seriously, did nobody teach this woman humility at all? Every time her maid tells her how wonderful she sounded that night (gag) Christine's response is "I was good, wasn't I?" Gag me with a spoon (I'm bringing that one back, I've decided)! That is not the proper response to a compliment, lady.
P.S. Isn't everything I do fantastic? (Eyeroll.)

End of line.

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