Thursday, July 22, 2010


I got Bloodletting because a quote on the box described it as "Natural Born Killers done right." Well, that just sounds like a challenge to me. I happen to really like Natural Born Killers.
Bloodletting is about a woman who tracks down a serial killer and forces him to teach her to kill people, too, and they fall in love and have a weird relationship.
And once I got used to the awkward acting and no dollar budget, I rather enjoyed the movie. It isn't a horror movie like the box claims; it's more like a very dark and bizarre comedy. The guy who played the serial killer was pretty damn funny; I liked his delivery and I found myself laughing at lines that I probably would have ordinarily found stupid. The whole movie had a sort of gory, no budget appeal.
Until the last scene.
(From here on in, there be spoilers.)
In the last scene, the two main characters have beaten and shot each other silly and are bleeding to death. The woman confesses the guy killed her mother and the guy confesses he isn't the serial killer at all, but just some guy. He went along with the woman thinking he was the serial killer because she was pretty and he was lonely. "So you killed people for me?" she swoons. And then they laugh and bleed and die together.
Except that doesn't make any sense. In the scene where they first meet, when she gets into his house and then tries to escape, he starts acting like a serial killer before she says one word to him about it. He tells her he has magnetic locks on the doors, the windows are unbreakable plexiglass and none of the neighbors are home and, therefore, wouldn't be able to hear her scream. How could he be "going along with her story" then if he hadn't heard her story yet?
The entire movie, all its weird humor and bad acting charm, fell apart completely when he said he wasn't the serial killer. One line ruined all the good feelings I had about Bloodletting.
Man, that sucks.

End of line.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Fifty Favorite Movies

I cannot, in good conscience, end on such a negative note today. I'm not feeling it. So, to counterbalance my anger and hatred, here is my list of fifty favorite movies. I don't have anything to say about these movies. As usual, I feel like hate needs a reason but love speaks for itself. (I've lumped some sequels (and Beatles movies) together as one movie, because I can.)

50) The Last Horror Movie
49) A League Of Their Own
48) Pep Squad
47) Vertigo
46) Feast
45) A Hard Day's Night / Help!
44) 2001 Maniacs
43) Tron
42) Batman Forever
41) The Addams Family / Addams Family Values
40) Bugsy Malone
39) Brick
38) So I Married An Axe Murderer
37) Labyrinth
36) Deceiver
35) Natural Born Killers
34) White Christmas
33) Robin Hood
32) Monkey Business
31) Sherlock Holmes
30) Ink
29) The Lost Skeleton Of Cadavra
28) Grindhouse
27) American Psycho
26) Who Framed Roger Rabbit
25) Sleepy Hollow
24) Sin City
23) Gogol Bordello Nonstop
22) The Phantom Of The Opera
21) The 'Burbs
20) Singin' In The Rain
19) The Emperor's New Groove
18) The Muppet Movie / The Great Muppet Caper
17) Iron Man
16) Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
15) High Tension
14) Arsenic And Old Lace
13) Saw
12) Halloween II
11) Run, Lola, Run
10) The Impostors
9) Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure / Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey
8) The Hunchback Of Notre Dame
7) Little Shop Of Horrors
6) Cannibal! The Musical
5) The Evil Dead
4) A Nightmare On Elm Street / Wes Craven's New Nightmare
3) Clue
2) Repo! The Genetic Opera
1) House Of 1000 Corpses

End of line.

Fifty Least Favorite Movies

Yes, fifty. Sigh. It was supposed to be ten, but I just couldn't narrow it down. If you ever feel the need to piss me off, bring up one of these gems and watch me go off. Seriously. It's hilarious.

50) Election - I cracked Scott up on Friday when I mentioned I watched Election six times before I realized I hated it.
49) Arizona Dream - How could a movie starring both Johnny Depp and Lili Taylor suck this bad? Oh, now I remember: I respect them as actors and think they're both gorgeous, but they tend to make movies I hate. Damn it.
48) Garden State - The first of many Some Shit That Happened movies on this list.
47) Truly, Madly, Deeply - As discussed in the tearjerkers list, I don't really remember this movie, but I never forgave it for making me cry like that.
46) Kids - Ugh. This movie was a huge fucking deal for some reason but the only thing that came out of it was that song Natural One by Folk Implosion. Which is a great song, but good lord does this movie ever suck.
45) Blood For Dracula - Better known as Andy Warhol's Dracula, but a better name would've been Udo Kier Throws Up A Lot.
44) Gone With The Wind - You know how "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," is so overquoted out of context that you want to kick everybody who says it in the shins? Well, in context it is the only thing that makes it almost worth sitting through three hours of Scarlett O'Hara whining about shit. When that line finally comes it makes you want to stand up and cheer. "Yes! Walk out on that goddamn bitch!" The only downside? I hate Rhett Butler, too.
43) Black And White - There are quite a few movies on this list I don't really remember, but I know I saw them and I know I hated them. This is one of those. All I remember about it is Robert Downey Jr. is in it (doing what, I don't know, but he was probably the reason I let Sarah talk me into seeing this nonsense) some guy complaining because his white son is wearing a Kangol hat (I guess they're only for black people?) and a high school basketball player being shot to death.
42) Blow - I'm a horrible person for laughing, but I found out the director of this anti-cocaine public service announcement died of a cocaine overdose. Good job, dude.
41) The Ice Storm - Oh goody, a Some Shit That Happened movie starring Elijah Wood. My two favorite things! No, wait, the opposite of that.
40) Spanking The Monkey - Good lord, I let Sarah talk me into watching a lot of terrible shit when we were in high school. All in the name of being an indie film snob (for me, at least. She genuinely liked this stuff). I'm so glad I came to my senses.
39) Where The Day Takes You - This was a movie about homeless people, including wheelchair-bound Will Smith. And I think Stephen Tobolowsky was a child molester. Stupid.
38) At Close Range - I was in the middle of a Christopher Walken phase and my mom was in the middle of a David Strathairn phase and both of us hated this movie.
37) Cheaper By The Dozen - Not the original (which I've never seen) but the Steve Martin / Bonnie Hunt travesty, where there's only one likeable character and he exists solely to be the moral at the end of the story.
36) Boys Don't Cry - Also known as Redneck Assholes Are Assholes Who Will Kill You For Being Different: The Movie (Based On A True Story).
35) Bob Roberts - This was the first thing I ever saw Tim Robbins in, and he scared the crap out of me. This is a disturbing, terrifying movie. Oh well, maybe if I see him in something else he won't frighten me so much. Let's see, how about ...
34) Arlington Road - Sonofabitch!
33) The Baby - Sometimes you rent a movie because you like the box. This was one of those movies. I should have just rented the box.
32) Revolutionary Road - Sure, the acting was good, but what was the point of this? It sucks to be a nonconformist in the '50s? It sucks to be Leonardo DiCaprio? I still don't know what I was supposed to take away from this fucking movie.
31) Boogie Nights - I hate Paul Thomas Anderson.
30) American Pie - You know what really sucks? I had to watch this movie for school.
29) Big - I wonder if I would have liked this movie had I seen it when I was the target audience age (which is, I guess, around three)? I hope not.
28) Being John Malkovich - "Hey, we've just made this hideously depressing, soul rapingly sad movie. How shall we market it?" "Well, the premise is mildly weird, so obviously we must market it as an uprorious comedy." "Brilliant! All the independent film snobs will buy into that ridiculous marketing ploy! We'll make millions!"
27) The Shining - I've figured out why I don't like Kubrick. I don't have the attention span for him. He's a director who takes his sweetass time getting to where he's going, and I can respect that, but I sure as hell don't like it.
26) The Fox And The Hound - Wait, how did this not end up on my tearjerkers list?
25) Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things - I've actually read an intelligently written essay that had positive things to say about this movie. I still have no idea how that's possible. This movie is absolute crap.
24) Welcome To The Dollhouse - Oh goodie, yet another Some Shit That Happened movie.
23) Smart People - The character Ellen Page plays in this movie is the polar opposite of the character she played in Juno. You know how I know that? Someone told me. You wouldn't know it from watching the movie, though, because she played the part the exact same way as she played the Juno kid. How does she have a career, again?
22) Heathers - I heard there was an alternate, never filmed ending where Christian Slater actually did blow up the school. I think I may have actually liked this movie if it had ended with everybody dead.
21) Meet The Parents - Ben Stiller is my mortal enemy. Even the movies he's in that are good (Mystery Men, Tropic Thunder) would be infinitely better if he weren't.
20) Magnolia - I really hate Paul Thomas Anderson.
19) Changing Lanes - Let's watch Samuel L. Jackson and Ben Affleck try to ruin each other's lives for an hour and a half. Yeah. That sounds entertaining.
18) Happiness - Haha, I get it, the title's ironic because nobody in this movie is happy. Please go destroy every copy of this film and never speak of it again.
17) Gummo - Apparently this movie is named after Gummo Marx. What the hell did he ever do to deserve such a horrible punishment?
16) Harriet The Spy - When I was a kid, Harriet The Spy was my favorite book. I actually like the book less because this movie was so horrible and untrue to its source. It's also one of the many reasons why I despise Michelle Trachtenberg.
15) Ferris Bueller's Day Off - For years people kept telling me how much I'd like this movie. Then I finally saw it. Turns out lots and lots of people don't know me very well.
14) Hitch - I don't like romantic comedies, but something about this one offended me much more than the average romantic comedy. I don't want to watch it again to try and figure out what.
13) Series 7 - Awful, awful, awful. A really interesting premise executed far too depressingly to actually be interesting.
12) The Cook, The Thief, His Wife And Her Lover - Eegawds was this ever disturbing. Totally not worth it if you just want to see Tim Roth (which is what I did).
11) Broken Flowers - Who the fuck watches these Some Shit That Happened movies? How are there so many of them that there's such a huge market for them?
10) A Christmas Story - "So, what's this new Christmas movie you've got for me?" "It's two hours of people being absolutely miserable and unhappy. None of them are likeable and nothing good happens to anybody. We're going to sell it as a family comedy!" "We'll make millions!"
9) Juno - When people ask me to explain why I hate Juno, I tell them about the scene when she's talking to Planned Parenthood. Her phone starts acting up and she says "Hang on, I'm on my hamburger phone." Okay, she knows she's on a hamburger phone, it's her own damn phone. It's not like she had to explain that to herself. Planned Parenthood doesn't know or care what "hamburger phone" means. What the line should have been (if it needed to exist at all, which it didn't) was "Hang on, my phone is acting up." But, no, she said the words she said and, indeed, the phone only acted up in the first place, so that the screenwriter could point out to the audience "Look, her phone is shaped like a hamburger! She's so charmingly quirky! Please pay attention to me and think I'm cool!" The entire script is a series of moments like that. Fuck this movie.
8) Observe And Report - No amount of ice cream will wipe the horrible that is this movie from my brain.
7) Hope Floats - This is the only movie I've ever walked out of. I don't think Sandra Bullock has ever made a movie that's interested me, but this is the only one I've tried to watch. It didn't end well.
6) Mulholland Drive - David Lynch claims that he knows what this movie is about and that nobody has ever figured it out (didn't he say the same thing about Eraserhead?). That's bullshit. Either even he doesn't know what it's about or (far more likely) lots of people know what it's about and Lynch is too arrogant to admit it.
5) Twilight - I feel bad about having this movie on this list because I hate the anti-Twilight backlash as much as the pro-Twilight phenomenon. However, it took all of my self control to not throw a wine bottle through the television when I saw this movie, so it deserves to be here.
4) Napoleon Dynamite - I'd ask what the appeal was, but I don't want to know. Yugh.
3) Red - Go read the review I wrote a couple months ago. That sums it up.
2) The Squid And The Whale - Can I sue this movie for being horrible? I'm sure it caused some sort of damage to my brain.
1) Paranormal Activity - I could go on for days and days about how much I hate this movie. It's an hour and a half of an uninteresting and unlikeable couple sleeping and arguing. And that actually scared people. How fucking stupid do you have to be for this movie to be scary? Or am I an idiot because I thought it was boring? ... No. No I'm not. This is a dull nothing of a movie and I resent it for being successful. It should have failed miserably. It shouldn't have been made. They should have taken their twenty dollar budget and just had a nice lunch and not inflicted this goddamn stupid bullshit on the gullible idiot populace of America. Fuck Paranormal Activity. More than any other movie on this list I hope it dies and rots in hell.

End of line.

Top Ten Movie Songs

Here's hoping nobody's sick of lists, 'cause I've got three more (one idea I came up with yesterday and two I stole from Amanda). These are the top ten songs I heard in movies and became obsessed. Songs from musicals were not allowed, however, 'cause then it would have been Ten Songs From Repo! The Genetic Opera or Ten Songs From Little Shop Of Horrors.

10) Ballroom Blitz performed by Tia Carrere in Wayne's World - Sure I love the version by Sweet, but I heard this one first and it made quite an impression on my little ten year old brain. I love it when chicks rock!
9) Mad World performed by Gary Jules in Donnie Darko - This is probably the one song on the list I became unobsessed with due to over-play. It's still pretty but it doesn't hit me the way it used to. Oh well.
8) Seems performed by Queen Sarah Saturday in Empire Records - And this is the one song on the list I became unobsessed with when I finally found a copy. Man, it took years to track it down. And it's just not as good on its own as it is in the movie.
7) Don't Stop Me Now performed by Queen in Shaun Of The Dead - Shame on me for not knowing this song before I saw Shaun Of The Dead, but it's now my favorite Queen song. The choreography of people beating a zombie with pool cues in perfect time to the music was brilliant, and it's probably the best part of the movie. If you're me.
6) Super Mega Zsa Zsa performed by Pleasant Gehman in Pep Squad - Why the crap is this song so cool? By all means it should bug the snot out of me. It doesn't, though. I freaking love it. Which could probably be said for all of Pep Squad, actually.
5) Color Of Your Eyes performed by Smokey Hormel and Ezster Balint in Trees Lounge - This one's a bit of a cheat, since I didn't actually hear it in the movie until after I became obsessed with it. You see, it's in the movie so faint and briefly that I didn't notice it until I was listening for it specifically. I became obsessed via the soundtrack, which a friend of mine put on a tape for me. It was the only song on the soundtrack I listened to. (I can't find a youtube video with this song in it. And I thought Super Mega Zsa Zsa would be the impossible one to find.)
4) I Will Always Be There performed by Niki Harris in Urban Legends: Bloody Mary - Ahh, my newest obsession. The song on its own is good, but its featured scene in the movie (a final confrontation between a ghost and her killer) is so insanely perfect and creepy, I get chills just thinking about it.
3) Superstar performed by Sonic Youth in High Tension (sort of) - Okay, so the song isn't actually in High Tension. It's in the trailer, which is probably the most effective horror movie trailer I've ever seen (that "sort of" is the link to it if you'd like to see it). I love High Tension, and there's a song in it during a car chase that could have made this list if it weren't for the facts that A) I don't know what it is and 2) it's overshadowed by the amazing trailer and creepy, creepy Sonic Youth. (I privately mock people who learned of this song through Juno and never got to experience the glory that is the High Tension theatrical trailer.)
2) Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) performed by Nancy Sinatra in Kill Bill - I have nothing to elaborate with. This song is just great.
1) Happy Birthday To Me performed by Syreeta in Happy Birthday To Me - I don't care what anybody says, Happy Birthday To Me is a freaking awesome movie. "Oh, boo hoo, the ending doesn't make any sense." Says you. I think the ending is pretty brutal. In fact, the whole movie is pretty damn brutal. And what better way to end a brutal movie than with a creepy, haunting song? No better. (Okay, the only video I could find of the song shows the very end of the movie, so if you want no spoilers, don't watch it, but it doesn't really give away the twist.)

End of line.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary

Wow, what was the likelihood that Movie Lottery: The Revenge would start by spitting out Urban Legends 2 and 3 back to back in the correct order? Weird.
UL: BM has pretty much nothing to do with the first two movies; the only things they have in common are references to Foxxy Brown. Also, this movie briefly shows newspaper headlines that reference the first two movies. That's it.
This is more like a ghost story. A little bit Nightmare On Elm Street, a little bit The Ring, pretty good use of the concept of using urban legends to kill off dumb teenagers, and a death-by-spider scene that rivals The Beyond in squeamishness.
It's a little TV movieish (it's like a really long episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but without any of the regular characters) and a lot of it was predictable, but I definitely liked it better than the second Urban Legend.
As far as straight to video slasher sequels go, this may be the creepiest I've seen. The final confrontation actually gave me the chills, thanks to effective use of the song I Will Always Be There by Niki Harris. I'd never heard it before this movie but I'm totally in love with it.
There's a top ten list for you: Songs I'm Obsessed With Because Of The Movies. I can think of three off the top of my head. If I can come up with another seven, you can expect to see that list someday soon at a Mordant Airhead near you.

End of line.

Urband Legends: Final Cut

The main impression this movie left on me is that it convinced me not to go to film school. Not because I think someone's going to go crazy and try to kill me, but because they made film school look like school. Yugh.
The movie was okay. It was about what you'd expect a straight to video sequel would be. There were mild attempts to connect to the first Urban Legend movie (the security guard lady from the first movie is now the security guard lady at the film school, and there was a cameo that was probably meant to be menacing but came off as kinda dumb), which were maybe a little unnecessary, but they didn't detract from anything.
The thing that bothered me most is one of the plot points had to do with the school's Hitchcock Award, which is given to, I guess, the Hitchcockiest film by a student each year. I guess the school has several awards they give out, but this is the only one anybody wants. One of the directors actually corners another at one point and says something like "You stole my genre. I want that award."
I'm sorry ... She stole your genre? Horror doesn't belong to only one person, asshole, and you don't even seem to like the genre. You're just using it to get some award. (That last sentence kind of sounds like horror is my boyfriend and this guy tried to steal him from me. ... Oh! Haha, I see what I did there.)
What was I talking about?
Oh! So the Hitchcock Award is a big deal but from what they show of the movies that are "contenders" to be nominated, none of them would win. They're all just slasher movies. I don't care what people say about Psycho, Alfred Hitchcock never made a slasher movie. Not one. Ever. And while I love me some slasher movies, I'd never put them in the same category as Hitchcock. So these kids are wasting their interpersonal drama for nothing, none of them are going to win.
The other huge problem I had with this movie: Every male character (with the exception of the two nerdy special effects guys, who were the best characters) looked exactly like every other male character. To make things more confusing, one guy played twin brothers. What the hell is this bullshit? Did they just want to guarantee I'd never be quite sure who the main character is talking to at any given time? 'Cause it worked. The movie seemed way more convoluted than it probably was because I couldn't tell who was who.
Other than that, it was pretty good. Okay, not great.

End of line.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Top Ten Kisses

Yeah, so this is an awkward list to post on a blog that's only read by my parents (hi guys!), and it's also a list that isn't in that Ten Bad Dates With DeNiro book, but I saw an internet poll a few months ago asking what the top ten great screen kisses were, and I didn't like the results. More accurately, I'd barely seen any of the results. So here's my list.

10) Elizabeth Swann (Kiera Knightley) and Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) in Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I've always thought the fans who wanted Elizabeth and Jack to get together are kind of incredibly stupid. And I really shouldn't like this kiss. But you know what? It was a pretty imporant moment for Elizabeth, character-wise. And Johnny Depp is infinitely more pleasant to look at than Orlando Bloom.
9) Valentino (Vincent D'Onofrio) and Gary (Thomas Jane) in The Velocity Of Gary* *Not His Real Name - Okay, so part of me enjoys slash fic. Sue me. The problem with this scene is it goes on for too long, and it's shot in extreme close up. (Fun fact: Vincent D'Onofrio is one of two actors (Hugh Jackman is the other) who shows up on this list twice.)
8) Joe Cooper (Trey Parker) and Doug Remer (Matt Stone) in BASEketball - This is along the same lines as the previous entry, except it's played for laughs, it's unexpected and it's not filmed in such an intense closeup that it makes you nauseous.
7) Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart) and Judy Barton (Kim Novak) in Vertigo - James Stewart is a creepy, creepy creeper in this movie and the fact that Judy goes along with his crazy obsession to make her look exactly like Madeline doesn't exactly make her the most likeable character (which sucks, because she had such potential). Everything about the moment when "the transformation is complete" is messed up. Especially the fact that it's a pretty good kiss.
6) Sarah Ashley (Nicole Kidman) and Drover (Hugh Jackman) in Australia - This is the only part of Australia I actually remember, which doesn't say much for the movie as a whole. The fact that I've considered buying the movie anyway says a lot for the scene.
5) Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) in Iron Man 2 - It's kind of a cliche, but I love it in movies when someone is rambling and the person they're talking to shuts them up by kissing them. This is the best instance of that I can think of.
4) Jean Gray (Famke Janssen) and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) in X Men The Last Stand - Oh, come on, if you woke up from a mutant-powers-induced coma to find Hugh Jackman standing over you, you'd do the exact same thing.
3) Erik Destler (Robert Englund) and Christine Day (Jill Schoelen) in The Phantom Of The Opera - It's the only non-Freddy Robert Englund movie kiss I can think of, and it's very brief but it's good stuff. Amanda can back me up on that one; I think it's the main reason she wanted a copy of the movie.
2) Holly (Holly Weston) and A.K. (Eugene Hutz) in Filth And Wisdom - Oh boy, this movie. I don't think I like Filth And Wisdom, but I watch it about once every two or three months because Eugene Hutz is glorious. The movie's kind of boring and isn't my cup of tea and it's sort of meandering and aimless. The end comes kind of abruptly, all of the characters' stories are wrapping up and you feel sort of blank and empty. Then Holly grabs A.K. and plants one on him and suddenly the whole movie makes sense. All the pointless, aimless, not-sure-why-I'm-watching-this nonplot is just setup for one moment.
1) Bob Howard (Vincent D'Onofrio) and Novalyne Price (Renee Zellweger) in The Whole Wide World - If you've seen the movie, you understand.

End of line.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Despicable Me

Ahh, now this is much more up my alley: dumb fun.
It's a classic story: supervillain adopts three girls as part of an evil scheme to steal a shrink ray and steal the moon, supervillain learns to love girls, supervillain loses girls. (SPOILER: Supervillain gets girls back.)
I don't like Steve Carrell, but you can't tell it's him, so that doesn't detract from the movie at all. The humor is silly, the minions are cute, the girls are cute, the bad guy (another supervillain, who reminded me of Artie Ziff from The Simpsons) is ineffectual but very easy to dislike. The plot is simple and maybe even predictable, the jokes are fast paced and Gru (the main character) has a seriously cool house.
There was nothing about Despicable Me I didn't like, and that's saying a lot considering the fact that when I first saw previews for it, I thought it looked downright awful. It's not my favorite movie, I'm not going to run out and buy it when it comes out on video, but it was lots of fun and I might even go see it again.
Favorite scene: Gru reads the girls a bedtime story.

End of line.

Toy Story 3

Andy has grown up and is moving on to college (holy shit, it's just like real life!) so now Woody, Buzz, Jessie and some of the other toys from the first two movies have to figure out what they're going to do now: live in the attic, go to daycare or be thrown away.
I say often and emphatically that I hate the Toy Story movies, but that's not entirely true. It's just how I express my frustration that I don't know how I feel about the Toy Story movies. You see, they're depressing. The first one is an hour and a half of people being horrible to each other (I'm not kidding, it's one of the few children's movies fueled pretty much entirely by hate) and the second one, while I don't really remember it, has that goddamn song (further proof that Sarah McLachlan is a brilliant singer as long as she's not singing something she wrote) and I'm pretty sure there was a lot of hatred in that one, too. Then it was pointed out to me that the Toy Story films are metaphors for death, and that was enough for me. I can't watch them. I don't hate them at all but I absolutely hate them. I don't understand it.
And, inevitably, I'll start saying the same thing about the third one.
But not yet. Toy Story 3 was really good. I only cried through most of it. This movie doesn't waste any time, the opening sequence brought me to tears. Great, movie. Thanks a lot.
It wasn't so bad, though. Sure, there was an obligatory subplot that was fueled by hatred, but I could actually see where the villain was coming from. I wasn't on his side; if I had been in his situation I wouldn't have done what he did, but I could sympathize with him. Until a scene near the end. Without giving much away, there's a moment that, as Shelby put it, really proves what an asshole he is. And the tears started up yet again.
The worst, though, the scene that would have made me cry even if the rest of the movie hadn't, was a little while after that and gave me the horrible, distinct feeling that there couldn't possibly be a happy ending to this movie. That's a really scary feeling when you're watching a movie that's marketed toward kids.
On the whole, though, it was pretty great and I definitely liked it better than the first two.
Just keep in mind, when I start claiming I hate it, that's only half true.
P.S. Mrs. Potato Head's lopsided eye situation bugged me through the entire movie.

End of line.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Top Ten Tearjerkers

Today I bought a book with some of my birthday money. The book is called Ten Bad Dates With De Niro and consists of various lists about movies. I get the feeling as I go through I'll make my own lists based on the lists in the book. This is the first of those.
These are the Top Ten Movies That Made Me Cry Enough To Leave A Dent Of Weepiness In My Brain.
Do keep in mind that there will be spoilers here, as well as the occasional quote of exactly what makes me cry. Because if I'm going to start crying, you're all coming with me!

10) Repo! The Genetic Opera - The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because I've seen the movie so many times I've trained myself not to cry most of the time (sometimes it still gets me). Specifically Blind Mag's performance of Cromaggia and Nathan and Shilo singing I Didn't Know I'd Love You So Much are what start the waterworks. But what did you expect in an opera? A happy ending?
9) The Muppets Christmas Carol - I found out recently that the part of this movie that makes me (and, truly, everybody) cry, the song When Love Is Gone, wasn't even in the theatrical release! The filmmakers added it for video. The power of the song is so great, that typing the name of it made me tear up. Whenever I watch the movie I run out of the room so I won't have to hear the song, but I end up crying anyway. At least I'm crying in private.
8) The Chipmunk Adventure - The Chipettes have escaped from the eight year old pharoah in Egypt who wanted to marry them and are flying away again in their hot air balloon. Brittany asks Eleanor for a sandwich out of the cooler she brought along only to find out that there are no sandwiches, only the baby penguin the pharoah had given them as a present. The penguin is sick from the heat and misses his parents, so to cheer him up (?) the girls sing him the most soul stabbingly sad song in the history of children's cinema, My Mother.
7) Toy Story / Toy Story 2 - I clumped these together because ... well, because I felt like it. It's my list, I can do what I want. Much like the past few entries, these movies are here mainly for songs. In Toy Story we have I Will Go Sailing No More, when Buzz Lightyear figures out he is not a spaceman, but the toy Woody has been telling him he is. In a last act of trying to prove himself right, he climbs to the arm of a couch to the lyrics "No, it can't be true, I could fly if I wanted to. Like a bird in the sky, I believe I can fly." He jumps, falls, and his jetpack wings break off. "Clearly now, I will go sailing no more." The song from Toy Story 2 is called When She Loved Me and if you think I'm going to say anything more about that, you are a crazy person. Typing the name was bad enough. I will say that I was once trapped in a souvenir store in Downtown Disney while thing song blasted from every speaker in the store. It was the world's saddest Hell.
6) The Pied Piper Of Hutzovina - This one is a complete mystery to me. I've watched it twice and have cried pretty much all the way through both times. I have no clue why. It's not the horrible, sobbing sort of cry, though. It's just tears leaking down my face for no discernable reason. It's the world's most mysterious weepfest.
5) Truly, Madly, Deeply - I saw this movie when I was young enough to not quite understand what was going on and to not really remember it now. To the best of my knowledge, it went something like this: A woman's husband died and she just couldn't get over it. So the ghost of her husband, as well as some of his ghost buddies, moved back into the house. I guess he was sent back to help her get over the loss or something. Eventually she met a man who she also loved and came with the added bonus of not being dead. So the woman become conflicted. At one point ghost husband asked her if she wanted him to leave and she told him no, never. At the end of the movie she moves on with her life and leaves with the alive guy while ghost husband watches, crying, from the window. I was completely inconsolable after watching this movie because in my little nine year old brain, ghost husband can never leave the house now because she asked him to stay. Also, I never liked alive guy, I wanted her to stay with ghost husband. But I'm pretty sure the point of the movie was supposed to be the opposite of that, we were supposed to be happy or proud of her for moving on. So my reaction probably says more about me and my intense fear of losing the past than anything else.
4) Snoopy Come Home - Anybody who can watch this movie without crying is a sick individual. I read a book once that described Snoopy's going away party in this movie as one of the funniest scenes in animated film history. The person who wrote that book has no soul.
3) [500] Days Of Summer - I probably have some personal demons that made me react to this movie the way I did. I'd really rather not go into what they are. But because of those demons and this movie, I don't like Zooey Deschanel anymore. Which sucks, because I think she's awesome. Every time I see her now, though, I feel a wave of hatred and an urge to cry.
2) Love, Actually - "By next year, hopefully I'll be dating one of these girls [pictures of pretty ladies] but until then let me say, without hope or expectation, but because it's Christmas (and at Christmas you tell the truth) to me, you are perfect and my wasted heart will love you until you look like this [picture of a gross, old mummy]." Anyone who claims their heart doesn't break watching that scene is a dirty, no good liar. Runner up: The scene when Emma Thompson confronts Alan Rickman about seeing someone behind her back and, in less than two seconds, cleans up her tears and happily hugs her children for their performances in the Christmas pageant.
1) Ink - No movie in my memory has made me cry more than Ink and never have I held a movie that's made me cry so much in such high regard as I hold Ink. It's a damn near perfect movie, and it earned those tears.

And now, two movies I cried after seeing for no reason other than I wanted my hour and a half back (and I was probably also PMSy):
2) Hitch
1) Juno

And now the two episodes of television shows I considered putting on my movie tearjerker list because they're just that powerful:
2) Buffy The Vampire Slayer "The Body" - For most of season five Buffy's mom had been fighting brain cancer. Near the end she made a recovery and started dating a nice guy she met at the museum she worked at. In the episode before this one Buffy comes home to find, first, flowers the man sent to her mom with a very nice card and, thirty seconds later, her mom lying dead on the couch. The Body is about Buffy and her friends dealing with the loss. There's a quick scene of Buffy imagining that she'd found her mother in time and saves her life before it jumps back to reality. There is no music in the episode at all. And, surprisingly, the most upsetting moment (and the one part that really makes me cry) comes from former demon Anya. At the beginning of the scene she's making her usual tactless comments, asking what the doctors are going to do with the body and everyone else getting frustrated with her for saying such horrible things, but then it becomes clear why she's asking all these questions: "But I don't understand. I don't understand how all this happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's - there's just a body and I don't understand why she can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch and I thought well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."
1) Futurama "Jurassic Bark" - Fry finds the fossilized remains of his dog and remembers all the good times they had together and how much he loved the dog. Professor Farnsworth has a machine that can bring the dog back to life and Fry gets very excited, getting everything ready for having his dog back and, in the process, ignoring Bender, who spends the whole episode being jealous and hating the not-yet-revived dog. As they're about to put the dog into the machine to bring him back, something (I don't remember what because I only ever saw the episode once) happens that sends the dog flying into flaming hot molten stuff, seeminly unretrievable. Bender (for those not in the know, Bender is a robot) goes in and rescues the dog and puts it in the machine for Fry. The machine says the dog was fifteen when it died, but Fry only knew him until the dog was four. Certain that the dog lived a full life after he'd gone and that the dog wouldn't remember him, Fry decides not to revive the dog. The episode ends with a flashback of the dog spending the rest of his life waiting outside the pizza place where Fry worked for him to come back while I Will Wait For You by Connie Francis plays.

There. I've now sufficiently made myself cry like a little sissy girl. Why the hell did I think this list was a good idea?

End of line.