Friday, February 19, 2010

Feast III: The Happy Finish

Feast Three begins with the last five minutes of Feast Two, which is really annoying when you watch them back to back (but probably helpful if you watch them weeks or months apart).
All of the core characters from Feast Two are back, minus Thunder and most of the badass biker chicks. I know where Thunder went, but I don't really know why four or five girls became two (three if you count Biker Queen). Unless my brain invented extra bikers who weren't there to begin with.
Anyway, long story short, everybody ends up in the sewers with The Prophet and Jean Claude Segal. Fantastic. Now, in addition to fight scenes being shot with so many quick cuts I can't tell what's happening, they're in almost total darkness, too.
Last night I thought I liked Feasts Two and Three, but the more I think about them, the madder I get. Something about them didn't sit right with me.
Sure, the fight scene in the underground club looked awesome, what with the strobe light making the whole scene look like a series of still photos, but I have no idea what happened. I think someone might have gotten killed by monsters or pukers or something. I think Biker Queen and Secrets were involved but, yeah, I don't know. Artistically I approve of the scene, but as someone who's trying to follow the plot of a movie, I'm mostly just mad.
Also, can we talk about Secrets's ridiculous unending devotion to Greg Swank? There's one scene where she basically tells him "I'm done with you" but two scenes later she's all lovey and whiny on him again. What the fuck? That was quick. He doesn't do anything to win her back, she just changes her mind. And I don't get it. Because he's an asshole.
P.S. The end of the movie is abrupt and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I had to sleep on it, but I've decided I did like it after all.

End of line.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

Feast was a cool movie because it kicked expectations in the neck. The funniest part of the movie (the rest of this paragraph is a spoiler) is when Hero badassly announces "I'm the guy who's gonna save your ass" and then immediately gets his head bitten off. Yes, I've just ruined the joke for you, but they actually put that moment in the previews, so I guess somebody wanted the joke to be ruined. I'm just helping that asshole. (Wait, why'd I do that?)
Anyway, it was a good movie with a small group of characters trapped in one building by weird, unstoppable monster things.
Feast Two is about a gang of kickass biker chicks, led by Biker Queen, who's looking for revenge after the death of her sister in the first movie. They take up with Bartender (also from the first movie), a used car salesman, his wife, the dude she's having an affair with (who I absolutely hate) and tag team wrestlers Thunder and Lightning.
There's also a subplot about Honey Pie (who, in the first movie, decided "To hell with the plan," stole a truck and deserted everybody in the bar) that serves almost no purpose. She exists in this movie: 1) so Bartender can kick the crap out of her in the one scene where she interacts with anybody, 2) so she can run around in a tanktop and (near the end) no pants and 3) so she can be a punchline in the third movie. And, possibly, 4) to fill out the running time when there isn't enough for the core characters to do.
There are too many core characters, first of all. Too many badass biker chicks. I couldn't keep track of all of them. And there was one Greg Swank too many. He was an asshole who did everything wrong and he just wouldn't die.
In fact, nobody would. Feast had people dropping like flies when you least expected it. Feast Two saved pretty much all of its body count for the last five minutes. Most of the movie was more of a "conflicting personalities having to work together" setup. Which is fine, I guess, and there were elements of that in the first Feast. But Feast was also action packed. Feast Two felt way longer than it actually was.
And then there was the thing with the baby. I don't like it when people take the phrase "dead baby comedy" literally because one thing that's never funny is a dead baby.
Just one more reason for me to hate Greg Swank.

End of line.