Fifty Least Favorite Movies

Yes, fifty. Sigh. It was supposed to be ten, but I just couldn't narrow it down. If you ever feel the need to piss me off, bring up one of these gems and watch me go off. Seriously. It's hilarious.

50) Election - I cracked Scott up on Friday when I mentioned I watched Election six times before I realized I hated it.
49) Arizona Dream - How could a movie starring both Johnny Depp and Lili Taylor suck this bad? Oh, now I remember: I respect them as actors and think they're both gorgeous, but they tend to make movies I hate. Damn it.
48) Garden State - The first of many Some Shit That Happened movies on this list.
47) Truly, Madly, Deeply - As discussed in the tearjerkers list, I don't really remember this movie, but I never forgave it for making me cry like that.
46) Kids - Ugh. This movie was a huge fucking deal for some reason but the only thing that came out of it was that song Natural One by Folk Implosion. Which is a great song, but good lord does this movie ever suck.
45) Blood For Dracula - Better known as Andy Warhol's Dracula, but a better name would've been Udo Kier Throws Up A Lot.
44) Gone With The Wind - You know how "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," is so overquoted out of context that you want to kick everybody who says it in the shins? Well, in context it is the only thing that makes it almost worth sitting through three hours of Scarlett O'Hara whining about shit. When that line finally comes it makes you want to stand up and cheer. "Yes! Walk out on that goddamn bitch!" The only downside? I hate Rhett Butler, too.
43) Black And White - There are quite a few movies on this list I don't really remember, but I know I saw them and I know I hated them. This is one of those. All I remember about it is Robert Downey Jr. is in it (doing what, I don't know, but he was probably the reason I let Sarah talk me into seeing this nonsense) some guy complaining because his white son is wearing a Kangol hat (I guess they're only for black people?) and a high school basketball player being shot to death.
42) Blow - I'm a horrible person for laughing, but I found out the director of this anti-cocaine public service announcement died of a cocaine overdose. Good job, dude.
41) The Ice Storm - Oh goody, a Some Shit That Happened movie starring Elijah Wood. My two favorite things! No, wait, the opposite of that.
40) Spanking The Monkey - Good lord, I let Sarah talk me into watching a lot of terrible shit when we were in high school. All in the name of being an indie film snob (for me, at least. She genuinely liked this stuff). I'm so glad I came to my senses.
39) Where The Day Takes You - This was a movie about homeless people, including wheelchair-bound Will Smith. And I think Stephen Tobolowsky was a child molester. Stupid.
38) At Close Range - I was in the middle of a Christopher Walken phase and my mom was in the middle of a David Strathairn phase and both of us hated this movie.
37) Cheaper By The Dozen - Not the original (which I've never seen) but the Steve Martin / Bonnie Hunt travesty, where there's only one likeable character and he exists solely to be the moral at the end of the story.
36) Boys Don't Cry - Also known as Redneck Assholes Are Assholes Who Will Kill You For Being Different: The Movie (Based On A True Story).
35) Bob Roberts - This was the first thing I ever saw Tim Robbins in, and he scared the crap out of me. This is a disturbing, terrifying movie. Oh well, maybe if I see him in something else he won't frighten me so much. Let's see, how about ...
34) Arlington Road - Sonofabitch!
33) The Baby - Sometimes you rent a movie because you like the box. This was one of those movies. I should have just rented the box.
32) Revolutionary Road - Sure, the acting was good, but what was the point of this? It sucks to be a nonconformist in the '50s? It sucks to be Leonardo DiCaprio? I still don't know what I was supposed to take away from this fucking movie.
31) Boogie Nights - I hate Paul Thomas Anderson.
30) American Pie - You know what really sucks? I had to watch this movie for school.
29) Big - I wonder if I would have liked this movie had I seen it when I was the target audience age (which is, I guess, around three)? I hope not.
28) Being John Malkovich - "Hey, we've just made this hideously depressing, soul rapingly sad movie. How shall we market it?" "Well, the premise is mildly weird, so obviously we must market it as an uprorious comedy." "Brilliant! All the independent film snobs will buy into that ridiculous marketing ploy! We'll make millions!"
27) The Shining - I've figured out why I don't like Kubrick. I don't have the attention span for him. He's a director who takes his sweetass time getting to where he's going, and I can respect that, but I sure as hell don't like it.
26) The Fox And The Hound - Wait, how did this not end up on my tearjerkers list?
25) Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things - I've actually read an intelligently written essay that had positive things to say about this movie. I still have no idea how that's possible. This movie is absolute crap.
24) Welcome To The Dollhouse - Oh goodie, yet another Some Shit That Happened movie.
23) Smart People - The character Ellen Page plays in this movie is the polar opposite of the character she played in Juno. You know how I know that? Someone told me. You wouldn't know it from watching the movie, though, because she played the part the exact same way as she played the Juno kid. How does she have a career, again?
22) Heathers - I heard there was an alternate, never filmed ending where Christian Slater actually did blow up the school. I think I may have actually liked this movie if it had ended with everybody dead.
21) Meet The Parents - Ben Stiller is my mortal enemy. Even the movies he's in that are good (Mystery Men, Tropic Thunder) would be infinitely better if he weren't.
20) Magnolia - I really hate Paul Thomas Anderson.
19) Changing Lanes - Let's watch Samuel L. Jackson and Ben Affleck try to ruin each other's lives for an hour and a half. Yeah. That sounds entertaining.
18) Happiness - Haha, I get it, the title's ironic because nobody in this movie is happy. Please go destroy every copy of this film and never speak of it again.
17) Gummo - Apparently this movie is named after Gummo Marx. What the hell did he ever do to deserve such a horrible punishment?
16) Harriet The Spy - When I was a kid, Harriet The Spy was my favorite book. I actually like the book less because this movie was so horrible and untrue to its source. It's also one of the many reasons why I despise Michelle Trachtenberg.
15) Ferris Bueller's Day Off - For years people kept telling me how much I'd like this movie. Then I finally saw it. Turns out lots and lots of people don't know me very well.
14) Hitch - I don't like romantic comedies, but something about this one offended me much more than the average romantic comedy. I don't want to watch it again to try and figure out what.
13) Series 7 - Awful, awful, awful. A really interesting premise executed far too depressingly to actually be interesting.
12) The Cook, The Thief, His Wife And Her Lover - Eegawds was this ever disturbing. Totally not worth it if you just want to see Tim Roth (which is what I did).
11) Broken Flowers - Who the fuck watches these Some Shit That Happened movies? How are there so many of them that there's such a huge market for them?
10) A Christmas Story - "So, what's this new Christmas movie you've got for me?" "It's two hours of people being absolutely miserable and unhappy. None of them are likeable and nothing good happens to anybody. We're going to sell it as a family comedy!" "We'll make millions!"
9) Juno - When people ask me to explain why I hate Juno, I tell them about the scene when she's talking to Planned Parenthood. Her phone starts acting up and she says "Hang on, I'm on my hamburger phone." Okay, she knows she's on a hamburger phone, it's her own damn phone. It's not like she had to explain that to herself. Planned Parenthood doesn't know or care what "hamburger phone" means. What the line should have been (if it needed to exist at all, which it didn't) was "Hang on, my phone is acting up." But, no, she said the words she said and, indeed, the phone only acted up in the first place, so that the screenwriter could point out to the audience "Look, her phone is shaped like a hamburger! She's so charmingly quirky! Please pay attention to me and think I'm cool!" The entire script is a series of moments like that. Fuck this movie.
8) Observe And Report - No amount of ice cream will wipe the horrible that is this movie from my brain.
7) Hope Floats - This is the only movie I've ever walked out of. I don't think Sandra Bullock has ever made a movie that's interested me, but this is the only one I've tried to watch. It didn't end well.
6) Mulholland Drive - David Lynch claims that he knows what this movie is about and that nobody has ever figured it out (didn't he say the same thing about Eraserhead?). That's bullshit. Either even he doesn't know what it's about or (far more likely) lots of people know what it's about and Lynch is too arrogant to admit it.
5) Twilight - I feel bad about having this movie on this list because I hate the anti-Twilight backlash as much as the pro-Twilight phenomenon. However, it took all of my self control to not throw a wine bottle through the television when I saw this movie, so it deserves to be here.
4) Napoleon Dynamite - I'd ask what the appeal was, but I don't want to know. Yugh.
3) Red - Go read the review I wrote a couple months ago. That sums it up.
2) The Squid And The Whale - Can I sue this movie for being horrible? I'm sure it caused some sort of damage to my brain.
1) Paranormal Activity - I could go on for days and days about how much I hate this movie. It's an hour and a half of an uninteresting and unlikeable couple sleeping and arguing. And that actually scared people. How fucking stupid do you have to be for this movie to be scary? Or am I an idiot because I thought it was boring? ... No. No I'm not. This is a dull nothing of a movie and I resent it for being successful. It should have failed miserably. It shouldn't have been made. They should have taken their twenty dollar budget and just had a nice lunch and not inflicted this goddamn stupid bullshit on the gullible idiot populace of America. Fuck Paranormal Activity. More than any other movie on this list I hope it dies and rots in hell.

End of line.
-Sally