A Nightmare On Elm Street

I think Samuel Bayer thinks he invented the jump scare. I really do. I think he thinks he invented it and he really, really wanted to show off this cool new trick he made up. I have never seen more jump scares in a movie than there are in this one. It's barely scary the first time, dude (the music always gives it away) and the more you do it, the less effective it is.
I tried really hard to watch this movie on its own merits and not compare it to the original, but I couldn't help it. And, honestly, it's not all bad. But I do have some stuff to complain about.
Complaint # 1 - The cast. Specifically, the teens. In the original, all the teens look like real people. In the remake they all look like airbrushed mannequins from television primetime dramas. Which leads to:
Complaint # 2 - Way too much of this movie has to do with the teenagers and their damn feelings. It's like A Nightmare On One Tree Hill. Goddamn it, I don't care about your feelings! This is a slasher movie! Admittedly, I might have been losing my patience more quickly than someone who didn't really know the story. None of the plot points were huge revelations to me 'cause I've seen the original about a gazillion times. (Or at least ten.) So maybe this wasn't as much of a problem as I thought it was. ... I'm still going to complain about it, though.
Complaint # 3 - The child molester thing. Save it for serious dramas, don't put that stuff in my popcorn flicks. (And isn't Jackie Earl Haley getting tired of playing child molesters? This is, like, the third one.) I know it was in the original script for the first Nightmare, but they took it out and I think that was for the better. I think it's way too serious a subject for this kind of movie, and I also think it's a really lazy way to try to shock people.
Complaint # 4 - Nancy. I was going to cover this in the first complaint, but I feel like she should get her own because Rooney Mara has a worse case of Expressionless Actress Syndrome than both Zoe Trilling and Emmy Rossum. I don't know if she was taught to always underplay or what, but even when she was screaming and shouting her expression didn't change. She didn't even make the effort to look mildly confused. Worst Nancy ever.
Complaint # 5 - It's minor, but why did they feel the need to change everybody's names? Tina is now Kris, Rod is now Jesse, Glenn is now Quentin and Nancy's last name is Holbrook instead of Thompson. Why keep one name and change all the others? Why not call Nancy ... I don't know, Bess or something? Either change 'em all or don't change any. Pick one. And I'm not accepting any of this "Well, Nancy's the hero and the fans expect..." crap because in this one Nancy is barely the hero. I'd rather you give her a new name because keeping the name is disrespectful to Nancys everywhere.
Okay. Got all my complaining over with. Now for the positive part of the review:
The dream sequences were awesome. My favorite one was Nancy in the drug store, cutting back and forth between the dream and the real world, Freddy hitting a pipe with his claw and a bunch of merchandise falling off a shelf. That was very satisfying.
The dreams all looked fantastic, for the most part they were creepy (if you can disregard all the jump scares) and Jackie Earl Haley is a fine Freddy indeed. He's different, certainly, but just as much fun to watch. And anybody who claims they watch Elm Street movies for any non-Freddy reason is a liar. Freddy is the point of the Nightmare On Elm Street films and I accept Haley as the new Krueger. If they make any sequels, I'll go see them as long as he keeps playing the part. (And if they got a new guy I'd probably go see it to see how he does.)
I don't know where that Thomas Dekker ding dong got the idea that this Freddy doesn't say any one liners, though. Especially since he says the corniest one ("Did you know after the heart stops beating, the brain continues to function for seven minutes? That means we have six more minutes of fun.") to Dekker's character. They probably did a lot of takes, too, which means he had to hear that one liner over and over and over and over. Did he not notice that was supposed to be funny? It doesn't have to have a pun in it to be a one liner, you know.
And if your definition of one liner is lazy pun, fine. One of the puns from The Dream Master ("How's this for a wet dream?") is actually in this remake! I like Thomas Dekker even less now than I did when I read that interview.
And could somebody give Kyle Gallner a hug or a candy bar or something? Between this and Red, I think he naturally looks like the Saddest Person Alive. I feel really bad for him every time I see him.
I'm not going to run out and see it again, and I don't think I'll need to own it, but overall I guess I did like A Remake On Elm Street. The dream sequences, anyway.
Somebody please teach Rooney Mara how to use her facial muscles.

End of line.
-Sally