Friday, September 10, 2010

Return Of The Living Dead 3

While my brother JustinCase is dealing with the misery that is Faces Of Death (I could never accomplish his Video Nasties quest, and Faces Of Death is one of the main reasons for that) I'm slogging through a misery of my own: Return Of The Living Dead 3.
The movie is ripe for drinking game status: Drink every time the lead character does something stupid. It's a good thing I didn't try that, though; I'd have the world's worst hangover right now.
Our lead characters are Curt (the stupid one) and his girlfriend Julie (who's not stupid so much as she is irritating). They sneak into a top secret military testing facility (drink!) and watch as the government tests some Trioxin (the zombie-making chemical from the first two movies) on a dead dude, who they then shoot with a zombie-tranquilizer. Curt and Julie go home and Curt has an argument with his dad and then runs away from home (drink!). He nearly runs his motorcycle in front of an eighteen wheeler (drink!), getting himself all scratched up and killing Julie. What's a whiny teenage boy to do? Sneak back into the military testing facility (drink!) and douse Julie in Trioxin (drink!), then act like everything's going to be the same as it was before she fucking died and continue to run away to Seattle (drink!).
There. Twenty minutes in and you're already hammered. And we've got a long way to go from here.
Eventually, the military's out to get them, some street thugs are out to get them, they take advantage of the hospitality of the one likeable character, a homeless guy named the River Man, to whom Curt conveniently doesn't mention that his girlfriend is undead.
Some people get bitten but there's almost no zombie action at all 'til damn near the very end of the movie.
Most of the movie is teenage angst: Curt trying to make everything the same as it was before and Julie whining about the pain and the hunger and her lot in unlife. First of all, if all being a zombie does is make you hungry and achey, then I'm a goddamn zombie. Second of all, stop bitching and moaning! This is supposed to be a zombie movie!
Not only is it supposed to be a zombie movie, it's supposed to be a Return Of The Living Dead movie. The first Return... is considered a punk rock zombie movie. It's simultaneous dumb fun and "we're all doomed" nihilism and it's the reason cartoons always have zombies saying "Brains!" (To be honest, I wasn't really a fan, but it was better than this nonsense.)
The second Return... is more mainstream, but still a hell of a lot of fun.
This movie isn't any of those things. It's annoying. It's overlong and it's dull and it takes too much time to get to the ending where the zombies show up. By then you don't care anyway, you just want it to be over.

End of line.

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