Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Road To El Dorado

Tulio (voiced by Kevin Kline) and Miguel (voiced by Kenneth Branagh even though you'd expect him to be the one who's Kevin Kline since he kind of looks like Phoebus. He's like a cross between Phoebus and Toki Wartooth) are best friends and con artists who accidentally stow away on Cortez's ship. (Cortez is played by either the guy who voiced Shan Yu or the guy who narrates movie previews.) He's going to have them flogged and then flogged but instead they escape and land on an island that Miguel thinks hides the lost city of El Dorado.
Well, it turns out it does and Tulio and Miguel are mistaken for gods because clearly pale dudes are superior to tan ones. (?) The Speaker For The Gods (played by leftover animation of Klaus from The Chipmunk Adventure) is super excited to see them because he thinks they're there to usher in the Age Of The Jaguar and kill a bunch of people because if there's one thing gods love it's human sacrifices. Fatty The King isn't into the human sacrifices but he's happy to see the gods, too, 'cause gods.
There's also a token hot chick named Chell who knows Tulio and Miguel aren't gods and agrees to help them with their con if they agree to take her with them when they leave El Dorado because she's anxious to work for Aperture Labaratories (anybody?).
A lot of The Road To El Dorado looks like the animators were having fun with their fancy new computer animation toys; a whole lot of things are obviously CG, but in a really adorable 1990s way so I can't hate it (although back when the movie was new, I would have).
Honestly I didn't think I was that into the movie while I was watching until it got to the random basketball scene and I was suddenly annoyed that they basically stopped the plot for a quidditch match. That's when I realized I was completely engrossed in the story. I still don't know if I really liked The Road To El Dorado but it is a really good movie. Better than I would have expected. It actually did the job I was hoping Home On The Range would do by being way better than the previews made it look. It even had a pretty good Disney Acid Sequence (or, I guess, Dreamworks Acid Sequence) during the song It's Tough To Be A God.
Which was the only good song, by the way. The Lion King dream team of Elton John and Tim Rice got back together for this movie. (In this case, the phrase "dream team" is sarcastic.) I hate 1990s Elton John. All his songs sound they same and he's way too into being serious or meaningful or ballady or whatever. Shut up, dude. I want to know about how you're still standing in order to do the crocodile rock with Levon. If you want to be serious, have Roy Rogers say goodbye to the yellow brick road. Other than that, keep your mouth shut because nobody cares.
(I just name dropped every Elton John song I like.)

End of line.

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