The Bible ... In The Beginning

Yesterday at Amoeba I talked some guy into buying volume one of The Prisoner. I hope he likes it. He decided he wanted to recommend something to me, too, and The Bible ... In The Beginning was what he came up with (after suggesting a few things I'd already seen).
Holy crap, this movie is long! It's one of those sweeping Dino De Launrentiis epics that is three hours long that I've heard so much about but never actually seen before now.
Parts of it lost me; I only really understood the segments based on Bible stories with which I was already familiar (due mainly to cultural osmosis since I was raised pretty religionless). I took notes while I was watching the movie and I figured the easiest way to review the movie would be simply to share my notes and elaborate if need be. Here goes:

"Guns And Religion: Now More Than Ever" - Oh yeah, on the way to Amoeba yesterday I got cut off by a truck with a bumper sticker that said that. It pissed me off for a multitude of reasons and I'm still trying to figure out what religion the guy is; I can't think of any pro-gun religions. (Also, when he cut me off I yelled "Jesus Christ!" After I read his bumper sticker I added "I oughta shoot you." See, 'cause it's funny 'cause ... meh. Forget it.)
Why do people still believe this but not ancient Roman / Greek gods? - Isn't it all kinda the same thing?
Don't eat from the Tree Of Knowledge "lest you die" - Intelligence kills. I feel like that explains a lot, at least in terms of overly religious politicians.
That apple is gold.
Is that a different Adam? - At a certain point Michael Parks looks totally different and I can't figure out why. He's the only Adam credited, though, so I guess it's still him.
"Be fruitful and multiply" then "your punishment is bearing children." - Wait, how can you punish Eve for eating the apple by making her have kids when you already told her to multiply?
Cain and Abel's offerings = God's a dick - "Abel, your offering is bountiful and made of animals. This pleases me. ... Cain, your offering is just as honest but it's paltry and made of grapes. Therefore I hate you." Fuck you too, God!
Cain invented murder and lying?
Revenge is okay and encouraged = God's a dick - First God hates Cain for making a paltry sacrifice, then God hates Cain for inventing murder, then God says whoever kills Cain will be blessed seven times over or something like that. Way to have double standards, you jerk? Why the hell do you hate Cain so fucking much?
Where did Cain's wife come from? - Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel and eventually went off and got a wife and had some kids. Where'd that wife come from? She wasn't one of Adam and Eve's kids, but Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth. Who's this mystery wife? Where did she come from?
In fact, where did all these scads of people come from? - Suddenly the world is heavily populated. When the crap did that happen?
I like Noah. He seems nice.
God plays favorites a lot.
I've never seen a version where Noah had a whole family before.
Cubits must be huge!
AMINALS! ... I'm having an Elmyra moment.
Great, now I have The Unicorn running through my head.
This animal job is impossible. - So God tells Noah to build an ark and put two of each kind of animal on it so that they'll all survive the flood. First of all, what's going to stop the carnivores from killing all the other animals? Well, the movie kind of cleared that up with Noah saying they have some sort of magic animal wisdom that tells them what the situation is so the're being good and not killing anybody. Okay, fine. That doesn't change the fact that none of these animals' natural habitat is "on a giganamous boat with every other kind of animal in the world." No amount of magical animal wisdom is going to save them from the fact that penguins belong in the antarctic or hippos needing bodies of water to splash about in. And what about fish and aquatic mammals and such? They obviously didn't get brought into the ark since the flooding can't hurt them any. So are they ridiculously overpopulated now since they all got to live, rather than just two of them?
It must've been smelly. Maybe Noah was anosmic?
Why do Bible characters only ever have sons? - Adam and Eve had sons, Noah had a bunch of sons, Jacob had a bunch of sons, Abraham had two sons (even though everyone thinks Ishmael doesn't count for some reason). That doesn't generally happen. And if all anybody ever had were sons, where do all their wives come from?
"The glory of Nimrod shines beyond the sun." Hahaha!
I understood the first two stories but now I'm lost.
George C. Scott! I love that guy!
What is going on now? George C. Scott is leading an expedition and he wants to have a kid? So God told him to kill a bunch of livestock?
George C. Scott gets all the ladies.
First she wanted him to sleep with her maid, now she regrets it.
The maid's name is Hagar? She's an unfunny viking comic strip?
Poor Ishmael. His dad's playing favorites with a kid who doesn't exist.
I'm lost again.
Ooh, smiting!
Smite! Smite! Smite!
How long have I been watching this movie?
Okay, now it's Sodom and Gomorroah? - When I was a kid, I thought Sodom And Gomorrah were people. And I probably thought they solved mysteries on television in the 1980s (along with Jake And The Fat Man, Simon And Simon, Cagney And Lacey, McMillan And Wife and Starsky And Hutch).
Salt! Salt! Salt!
Dude, that was, like, an atomic blast. I didn't know they had atomic blasts in Biblical times.
Abraham just got a sarcastic slow clap for his wife having a baby.
"Hey Abraham, kill your son! ... Just kidding!" = God's a dick - Seriously, what is with this guy? These Bible stories are not putting me on God's side. Did Satan write these stories? "This'll get people worshipping me instead." (Good thing I don't believe in Hell or I'd probably end up there for that one.)
That kid is never going to trust you ever again, George C. Scott.

That was the last note. It was a good enough movie while I was watching it, but I don't think I'll bother sitting through it again. Except maybe the Noah's Ark segment. I like that story (plot holes and all) and I loved seeing all the animals.

End of line.
-Sally