Friday, June 11, 2010


Two guys, a Pilot and a Guy Wearing A Uniform But Reading A Magazine, open up the large crate they're hauling (the one with warning signs all over it) and get killed by Something.
Something turns out to be a Giant Snake, who goes all around town eating / spitting acid on people. For kicks, I guess. The police don't know about the snake, though, and suspect a local fellow of murder. His motive? He stole the sheriff's girlfriend and works at the town acid factory. (That's a thing, right? The ol' acid factory?)
Meanwhile Plot Exposition Military Guy interrogates Plot Exposition Scientist Guy so the audience will know what's up with the snake.
Python isn't bad, but it isn't good. I thought it was a made for TV movie, but there are too many boobs and swear words (ie: any) in it for that to be true.
The main characters are all played by People You Probably Haven't Heard Of but the supporting cast is chock full of People You Might Recognize (Casper Van Dien, Jenny McCarthy, Keith Coogan, Robert Englund, Sean Whalen, Wil Wheaton). Which is kind of fun, but leads to the problem of there being way too damn many characters, which leads to the other problem of the movie being way longer than I have the patience for.
And it ended, like, three times.
I think Python would have benefitted from taking out the part where a guy tries to sell Jenny McCarthy a house. It went on too long, it wasn't funny (I think it was supposed to be) and there were too many extreme close ups of Jenny McCarthy in unflattering makeup making really ugly faces.
Other than that, though, all the humor was goofy and stupid, which is nice because if the movie had tried to take itself seriously it would have failed way harder than it already does.
Actually, no. That's not fair. Python doesn't fail; it just doesn't win. It goes on too long and I stopped caring long before it was over (somewhere in between the first and second endings).
It was entertaining and fun and I can't say I hated it but I'd be hard pressed to ever be scared of a CGI snake.

End of line.

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