Five Across The Eyes is the story of five vapid, shrieking moron girls (collectively they have maybe, maybe two brain cells) and the horrible screaming shrew who wants to kill them with a shotgun for hit and running her parked car.
The movie succeeds in making the viewer intensely, immediately hate every single character. Within thirty seconds of the opening you desperately want to see all five moron girls have their faces blown off (well before the introduction of Shotgun Lady is even hinted at).
Unfortunately, the Shotgun Lady is just as hateful as the teenagers and you spend the whole movie waiting for someone (preferrably a calm, jovial man (and yes, I mean that in the most mysogynistic way possible; this movie makes me hate women) with a machete and a penchant for torture) to come along and put all of them out of my misery.
The only reason I don't hate this movie more than Paranormal Activity is because this piece of shit didn't make millions of dollars for being boring, shrill and terrible.
Oh, Calm And Jovial Machete Man, where are you?
Die, you screechy bitchwads, die!!!
End of line.
-Sally
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