Saturday, March 19, 2011

Dolly Dearest

All right, time to get this Movie Lottery 3-D back on track. I figured the only way to get that happening was pretty much the same way I started the first one: order a bunch of movies featuring my current biggest actor obsession and throw those movies into the bucket (I ordered six; considering how many movies are in the bucket it may take 'til next year to even get to them. It's a risk I'll have to take).
Sadly none of those movies have arrived yet, so for now, if I draw one, I'll have to put it back (the only time in Movie Lottery where a do-over is not against the rules).
But this time the bucket bestowed Dolly Dearest upon me anyway.
In Dolly Dearest, a family moves to Mexico because the dad bought a factory there. He's going to manufacture beautiful dolls that "every little girl will want" that just happen to all be possessed by some ancient evil spirit. The daughter of the family starts spending all her time with her doll, speaking in an ancient demon language and just being an all-around snotfaced little brat.
Meanwhile, all the dolls at the factory kill the night watchman. 'Cause why not?
And Rip Torn is investigating the tomb of the ancient tribe's evil demon goatheaded baby of vengeance, who's really the cause of all this hubbub because his tomb is about ten feet from the fucking doll factory.
I'm pretty sure Dolly Dearest was made in an attempt to make some money off of the success of Child's Play (which I've never seen) and, honestly, parts of it are pretty creepy. Fun creepy, though, not creepy creepy. Parts that probably would've scared the bejeezus out of me when I was a kid made me laugh. The doll's face, for instance, was way more unsettling early in the movie when it was stagnant than when she went all evil Chuckie face and started "wisecracking". (Things like "This will be fun," and "time to play," are not wisecracks. Even Freddy Krueger's worst jokes are funnier than these dolls.)
The main problem with the movie was the family itself. As I mentioned before, the daughter was awful. The mom was whiny at least she was taking the situation seriously, but she was whiny and annoying. The dad was completely useless, fell for every stupid word that came out of his brat's mouth and got mad at the mom when she tried to tell him there was something wrong with the kid. (I'd also like to point out that I think Sam Bottoms, who played the dad, is the guy you get when you can't afford Steve Guttenberg.)
There was only one likeable person in the family, and that was the son. He was a sort of earnest bookworm, but he had a sense of adventure and was constantly poking around the ancient demon baby's tomb. He didn't know what it was, he just wanted to see what the archaeologists were up to. When Rip Torn told him the name of the ancient people, the kid went home and read up on them so he'd know what he was dealing with. When he realized the doll was alive and evil, he did what he could to stop it. What's a cool kid like that doing in this family in this movie?
Not that the evil dolls were much brighter than the family. It's implied that since the spirit possessed all the dolls made in the factory adjacent to its burial site that it would continue to possess all the dolls made in said factory. Then the dolls would be sent to little girls all over the planet and succeed in their plan to take over the world, much to Audrey II and The Brain's chagrin.
So why, pray tell, would those dolls try to kill the damn toymaker? You'll never raise an army if you kill off the one dude who's, you know, creating your soldiers!
Dolly Dipbrains.

End of line.

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