The friend I went to see Sinister with thought it was pretty much the stupidest movie of the year. I didn't hate it as much as all that but I do wish I'd enjoyed it more than I did.
Sinister has moments of genuine creepiness but they are few and far between, because the director or editor or composer decided creepy moments are useless without being drowned out by an infinite series of jump scares.
Good job, movie, you startled me. Too bad you didn't scare me at all.
Ethan Hawke plays a writer who movies his family into the home / crime scene he's writing about. Four members of a family of five were hung in the backyard in an admittedly ingenious way (it's actually the first thing shown in the movie; the family were tied up with nooses around their necks, which were attached to a tree branch, which had a sawing mechanism attached to it. When the branch was sawn through, it fell and hung the family) and the fifth member of the family went missing.
Ethan Hawke is keeping it a secret from his family that they've moved into the murder house (and the tree, broken branch and all, is still standing in the backyard; I honestly doubt they'd leave that tree up if they were reselling the house) and he finds in the attic a box of home movies labeled "Family Hanging Out," "Barbecue," "Pool Party," "Sleepy Time" and "Lawn Work."
Golly, I wonder what those could be.
Okay, this begins the first in a series of illogical actions on behalf of the lead character. When he sees how Family Hanging Out ends, he not only watches it again, but watches all the other videos, too. Why the hell would he do that?
And if the power in my house suddenly went out and then I thought I heard footsteps coming from the attic, you know what I would do? Either read by flashlight or go to bed. Same things I do when the power goes out and I don't hear footsteps in the attic. You know why? Power outages are creepy and they make me tired and the hell with them, I'm not doing anything. If there are weird noises, I'll investigate them during the day when the sun is up and it's bright out.
That isn't a jaded horror movie fan talking, by the way, it's a full on coward.
Anyway, yeah, several jump scares, blatantly obvious plot clues and a couple uncredited cameos by Vincent D'Onofrio on Google Chat later, the movie gets to its conclusion which, honestly, would have given me the creeps if I wasn't so busy giggling at it.
Take from that what you will.
End of line.
-Sally
Friday, October 26, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pieces
Back in 1942, a little boy killed his mother with an axe and then used a chainsaw to cut off her head because she got really, really mad at him for putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a naked lady.
Now it's 1982 and the female students at a generic university are being horribly chainsaw murdered. Clearly there's a connection.
The police are baffled but the audience is clearly supposed to think the killer is either the squinty gardener or the mustachioed anthropology professor. They enlist the help of the boyfriend of one of the victims (who should probably be a suspect but clearly he isn't because he looks kind of like Mark Lynn Baker) and the police department's resident tennis star (every precinct has one) to try and find the killer.
Pieces is hilarious. The dubbing and dialogue are awkward, the kill scenes are fun, there's a random kung fu guy for no good reason, the forty year old blood on the murdered mom's clothes is still bright red and it's just an all around entertaining movie. I'm surprised it's not more popular.
My favorite scene involves the killer going after a girl in a swimming pool. He catches her head in a net that she could easily duck under and swim away from, but instead she grabs onto the side of the net, mildly complains that she can't breathe and lets him drag her out of the water. Then, rather than attempt to make an escape while he leaves her by the pool to get his chainsaw, she stays by the pool and patiently waits. It's comedy gold, I tell you!
Great. I just gave away the funniest scene in the movie. Sorry, guys. Don't worry, though, that happens fairly early on and it's still worth seeing.
And, if you would like a more in-depth and well-researched review, check out what Justin Case has to say on the subject.
End of line.
-Sally
Now it's 1982 and the female students at a generic university are being horribly chainsaw murdered. Clearly there's a connection.
The police are baffled but the audience is clearly supposed to think the killer is either the squinty gardener or the mustachioed anthropology professor. They enlist the help of the boyfriend of one of the victims (who should probably be a suspect but clearly he isn't because he looks kind of like Mark Lynn Baker) and the police department's resident tennis star (every precinct has one) to try and find the killer.
Pieces is hilarious. The dubbing and dialogue are awkward, the kill scenes are fun, there's a random kung fu guy for no good reason, the forty year old blood on the murdered mom's clothes is still bright red and it's just an all around entertaining movie. I'm surprised it's not more popular.
My favorite scene involves the killer going after a girl in a swimming pool. He catches her head in a net that she could easily duck under and swim away from, but instead she grabs onto the side of the net, mildly complains that she can't breathe and lets him drag her out of the water. Then, rather than attempt to make an escape while he leaves her by the pool to get his chainsaw, she stays by the pool and patiently waits. It's comedy gold, I tell you!
Great. I just gave away the funniest scene in the movie. Sorry, guys. Don't worry, though, that happens fairly early on and it's still worth seeing.
And, if you would like a more in-depth and well-researched review, check out what Justin Case has to say on the subject.
End of line.
-Sally
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Looper
I'm sure I'm not the only person to complain about it, but the creepy Bruce Willis Face prosthetics that they put on Joseph Gordon Levitt for this movie are fucking creepy. And it's always unsettling when they give dark-eyed people light-eyed contact lenses. For some reason, though, the other way around isn't true. They should've just given Bruce Willis dark contacts, foregone all the creepy prosthetics and called it a day.
There. Now. Onto the movie itself.
All the really good moments from Looper's trailers are in the first fifteen minutes or so of the movie.
In fact, Looper is a movie that starts out amazingly. It sets up its premise in a voiceover that actually is just helpful, rather than annoying the way some voiceovers are. I didn't mind it in this movie, which was nice. Its premise is interesting and they even begin to address some of the mindfucky confusion that I think not enough time travel movies really deal with.
Looper also has some bursts of craziness and violence, which are almost always awesome in my book (a couple of scenes made me flash back to Killing Zoe, though I'm not entirely sure why), and one sequence near the beginning genuinely disturbed me. Words cannot describe how horrible it made me feel.
The movie sets itself up really well, shows how Joseph Gordon Levitt turns into and then meets Bruce Willis. There's a chase, a shootout, and then!...
all the characters just kind of go do their own thing.
Bruce Willis is determined to accomplish something in the hopes of changing his future past.
Joseph Gordon Levitt is determined to kill Bruce Willis by waiting around at a place that he knows Bruce Willis is headed.
One annoying Gat Man (as the boss-guy's lackeys are called) is a whiner who really, really, really wants Jeff Daniels to pat him on the head and give him a treat, so he keeps showing up, trying to kill people and really annoying me.
There's a lady on a farm who just wants to keep her kid safe and the kid (MINOR SPOILER) just wants to be a weird, creepycute little kid bent on revenge.
I hate it when movies start out awesome, then kind of peter out and decide to go hang out on a farm for the rest of the movie.
None of the characters (except maybe Jeff Daniels but he's barely in it and is supposed to be a bad guy) are particularly likeable. Bruce Willis does some stuff that's flat out reprehensible, Joseph Gordon Levitt is (as his future self describes him in the movie) an arrogant, cocky, selfish, annoyance (okay, I guess those exact words aren't used but it's close enough), and that one Gat Man guy just makes me throw my hands up in exasperation for being a cliche and slowing the movie down.
And at one point Farm Lady smokes an imaginary cigarette but she doesn't light it first, and that really bugs me.
(ANOTHER MINOR SPOILER) And a sort of passing thought I had, related to not much of anything, near the beginning of the movie ended up being kind of the way the movie ended. So I guess I predicted it, sort of, if you squint. I hate when I can predict where a movie's going, even if it's an accident and / or a passing thought that I forget about until an hour and a half later when I realized I called it.
Looper had potential, Looper had promise and Looper wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. It started off awesome, introduced a lot of interesting ideas, and then never really did anything with them because all the characters wandered off.
End of line.
-Sally
There. Now. Onto the movie itself.
All the really good moments from Looper's trailers are in the first fifteen minutes or so of the movie.
In fact, Looper is a movie that starts out amazingly. It sets up its premise in a voiceover that actually is just helpful, rather than annoying the way some voiceovers are. I didn't mind it in this movie, which was nice. Its premise is interesting and they even begin to address some of the mindfucky confusion that I think not enough time travel movies really deal with.
Looper also has some bursts of craziness and violence, which are almost always awesome in my book (a couple of scenes made me flash back to Killing Zoe, though I'm not entirely sure why), and one sequence near the beginning genuinely disturbed me. Words cannot describe how horrible it made me feel.
The movie sets itself up really well, shows how Joseph Gordon Levitt turns into and then meets Bruce Willis. There's a chase, a shootout, and then!...
all the characters just kind of go do their own thing.
Bruce Willis is determined to accomplish something in the hopes of changing his future past.
Joseph Gordon Levitt is determined to kill Bruce Willis by waiting around at a place that he knows Bruce Willis is headed.
One annoying Gat Man (as the boss-guy's lackeys are called) is a whiner who really, really, really wants Jeff Daniels to pat him on the head and give him a treat, so he keeps showing up, trying to kill people and really annoying me.
There's a lady on a farm who just wants to keep her kid safe and the kid (MINOR SPOILER) just wants to be a weird, creepycute little kid bent on revenge.
I hate it when movies start out awesome, then kind of peter out and decide to go hang out on a farm for the rest of the movie.
None of the characters (except maybe Jeff Daniels but he's barely in it and is supposed to be a bad guy) are particularly likeable. Bruce Willis does some stuff that's flat out reprehensible, Joseph Gordon Levitt is (as his future self describes him in the movie) an arrogant, cocky, selfish, annoyance (okay, I guess those exact words aren't used but it's close enough), and that one Gat Man guy just makes me throw my hands up in exasperation for being a cliche and slowing the movie down.
And at one point Farm Lady smokes an imaginary cigarette but she doesn't light it first, and that really bugs me.
(ANOTHER MINOR SPOILER) And a sort of passing thought I had, related to not much of anything, near the beginning of the movie ended up being kind of the way the movie ended. So I guess I predicted it, sort of, if you squint. I hate when I can predict where a movie's going, even if it's an accident and / or a passing thought that I forget about until an hour and a half later when I realized I called it.
Looper had potential, Looper had promise and Looper wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. It started off awesome, introduced a lot of interesting ideas, and then never really did anything with them because all the characters wandered off.
End of line.
-Sally
Monday, September 24, 2012
House At The End Of The Street
Before I say anything about the movie, I just want to say to the general public (since I don't have the gumption to say it in person to the people to whom this rant is intended):
I don't give a flying fuck's ass what rating a movie has on Rotten Tomatoes. I could not possibly care less. The amount I care is already in the negative numbers and falling rapidly. I don't care. I don't fucking care. Stop fucking telling me what rating movies have on Rotten Tomatoes. Because I don't motherfucking care.
I started this blog so other people could equally not care about what I have to say. Let's all form our own opinions, shall we, and not let the internet affect our expectations.
There. That's out of the way.
House At The End Of The Street was a royal letdown. You know why? Because it was marketed as a horror movie. You can't take a soap opera, slap on a crazy person and call it a horror movie. That's bullshit.
House At The End Of The Street is a soap opera. It goes something like this:
Four years ago, a crazy girl killed her parents. Now, in the present day, Fake Renee Zellweger and her mom, Fake Sheri Moon Zombie (Elizabeth Shue, giving the only decent performance) move in to the house next to the one where the murders happened. Fake Renee Zellweger almost has a crush on Fake Dave Franco, but he's sleazy. Then she meets Fake Chad Michael Murray, who lives next door and is the brother of the homicidal girl, who went missing after the murders. Officer Fake Matthew Broderick is the only person in town who likes Fake Chad Michael Murray.
Meanwhile, in a subplot that goes nowhere, Fake Renee Zellweger is a "really amazing musician" who makes friends with Fake Jena Malone and is invited to sing in Fake Somebody I Can't Quite Place's band. (He really did remind me of a Young Somebody, I just never figured out who Somebody was.) I cannot stress enough how much this subplot means nothing. I think it was just thrown in there in a MarySue kind of way; whoever wrote this thing fancies her(him?)self a singer and threw that in there to make her(him?)self feel cool.
It was really just annoying and painful to have to watch / listen to.
Just like the rest of the movie.
So Fake Renee Zellweger has a crush on Fake Chad Michael Murray and Fake Sheri Moon Zombie wants them to stay away from each other because she's nervous about the whole double murder thing. Like you do.
Does any of this sound remotely scary to you? If it does, I pity you.
Yeah, okay, fine, double murder, whatever. But that's no different than your usual soap opera fare. Everybody's always killing everybody. This movie had way too much plot and not nearly enough murder by hammer.
In the last twenty minutes or so House At The End Of The Street suddenly remembers it was marketed as a horror movie and not a very special episode of Dawson's Creek so it makes one of the characters take some homicidal maniac pills and hope that the people in the audience forget about the first five hours of the movie where people just bitch and moan about their "problems."
And if you're the eleven year old girl this movie was made for, you might actually be scared by it. If you're an actual horror fan, you're just going to be mad.
Really, really mad.
End of line.
-Sally
I don't give a flying fuck's ass what rating a movie has on Rotten Tomatoes. I could not possibly care less. The amount I care is already in the negative numbers and falling rapidly. I don't care. I don't fucking care. Stop fucking telling me what rating movies have on Rotten Tomatoes. Because I don't motherfucking care.
I started this blog so other people could equally not care about what I have to say. Let's all form our own opinions, shall we, and not let the internet affect our expectations.
There. That's out of the way.
House At The End Of The Street was a royal letdown. You know why? Because it was marketed as a horror movie. You can't take a soap opera, slap on a crazy person and call it a horror movie. That's bullshit.
House At The End Of The Street is a soap opera. It goes something like this:
Four years ago, a crazy girl killed her parents. Now, in the present day, Fake Renee Zellweger and her mom, Fake Sheri Moon Zombie (Elizabeth Shue, giving the only decent performance) move in to the house next to the one where the murders happened. Fake Renee Zellweger almost has a crush on Fake Dave Franco, but he's sleazy. Then she meets Fake Chad Michael Murray, who lives next door and is the brother of the homicidal girl, who went missing after the murders. Officer Fake Matthew Broderick is the only person in town who likes Fake Chad Michael Murray.
Meanwhile, in a subplot that goes nowhere, Fake Renee Zellweger is a "really amazing musician" who makes friends with Fake Jena Malone and is invited to sing in Fake Somebody I Can't Quite Place's band. (He really did remind me of a Young Somebody, I just never figured out who Somebody was.) I cannot stress enough how much this subplot means nothing. I think it was just thrown in there in a MarySue kind of way; whoever wrote this thing fancies her(him?)self a singer and threw that in there to make her(him?)self feel cool.
It was really just annoying and painful to have to watch / listen to.
Just like the rest of the movie.
So Fake Renee Zellweger has a crush on Fake Chad Michael Murray and Fake Sheri Moon Zombie wants them to stay away from each other because she's nervous about the whole double murder thing. Like you do.
Does any of this sound remotely scary to you? If it does, I pity you.
Yeah, okay, fine, double murder, whatever. But that's no different than your usual soap opera fare. Everybody's always killing everybody. This movie had way too much plot and not nearly enough murder by hammer.
In the last twenty minutes or so House At The End Of The Street suddenly remembers it was marketed as a horror movie and not a very special episode of Dawson's Creek so it makes one of the characters take some homicidal maniac pills and hope that the people in the audience forget about the first five hours of the movie where people just bitch and moan about their "problems."
And if you're the eleven year old girl this movie was made for, you might actually be scared by it. If you're an actual horror fan, you're just going to be mad.
Really, really mad.
End of line.
-Sally
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Disney animated features (short reviews)
Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - If I ever saw it, I don't remember it.
Pinocchio - Ditto.
Fantasia - My brother and I used to watch it with the sound off while playing our own music. If you start Come As You Are by Nirvana right at the beginning of the Rite Of Spring segment, it syncs up really well.
Dumbo - Just rewatched Dumbo the other day and noticed for the first time how unbelieveably cruel this movie is. The elephant chicks going around saying Mrs. Jumbo was right to be jailed for defending her child and then going on and shunning said child (who is essentially an infant)?! Jesus Christ, movie!
Bambi - Whenever I say I don't like this movie, everybody assumes it's because of when his mom gets killed. I don't remember that part. I don't like Bambi because Bambi is mindnumbingly boring. And I hate all that twitterpated shit.
Saludos Amigos - Ahh, back when educational films strove to be entertaining as well.
The Three Caballeros - Saludos Amigos's hallucinogen-fuelled cousin. I freaking love this movie! (Also, today I came up with an idea that the whole thing is Donald Duck's struggle with his sexuality; I may write that review someday.)
Make Mine Music; Fun And Fancy Free; Melody Time; The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr. Toad - Not only did I never see these movies, but I doubt anybody else did, either.
Cinderella - I loved Cinderella when I was kid, possibly to the point of obsession (I can still quote almost the whole movie from memory). Which is probably what led to my writing a dark, violent interpretation of the story. I like mine better.
Alice In Wonderland - I love almost any version of Alice In Wonderland that Tim Burton has nothing to do with. Bright, colorful, plotless, amazing.
Peter Pan - I love What Makes The Red Man Red and dislike pretty much everything else. Wendy's a whiner, Peter Pan's an arrogant brat, Tinkerbell is a horrible bitch. Captain Hook, Smee and the nameless pirates are pretty cool, though.
Lady And The Tramp - I actually like Lady And The Tramp a lot more than I think I do.
Sleeping Beauty - Beautiful animation, the fairies are funny, the action is entertaining, Maleficent is a great villain and that dress should be blue goddamnit!
101 Dalmations - Has its moments. I like the line "Crazy woman driver!"
The Sword In The Stone - Loved it when I was a kid, have grown disenchanted with it. Higitus Figitus and Mad Madam Mim are still great but I feel like most of the movie revolves around misery and I just can't deal with it anymore.
The Jungle Book - Forgettable.
The Aristocrats - Fluffy and cute, just like an actual cat.
Robin Hood - My second favorite Disney movie.
The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh - Come on, it's Winnie The Pooh! How could I possibly say anything bad?
The Rescuers - Fuck you, Someone's Waiting For You! What if I didn't feel like crying?
The Fox And The Hound - Fuck you, the entire movie! What if I didn't feel like crying?
The Black Cauldron - Gurgi does not look that way! Good night!
The Great Mouse Detective - I'm pretty sure that when I was a kid I thought Sherlock Holmes was a ripoff of Basil of Baker Street. (I never said I was a bright kid.) I love this movie and I say "Ow! My foot! My only foot!" almost every time I stub my toes.
Oliver And Company - Another movie I know I've seen but cannot remember. I know I like some of the songs.
The Little Mermaid - Loved it when it came out, went through a phase of hating it. It now lies in the category of Better Than I Give It Credit For But Not As Good As Most People Seem To Think. Has one of the best Disney villain songs ever.
The Rescuers Down Under - Never saw it. Don't care to.
Beauty And The Beast - Love it.
Aladdin - I'd have to rewatch it again to decide for myself what I think of Aladdin. All my thoughts about the movie are based on other people's opinions and I honesly don't remember what I think of it.
The Lion King - I like Be Prepared and the part where Timon "dress[es] in drag and do[es] the hula." That is all I like. Fuck this movie.
Pochahontas - Wow, Disney's "resurgence" was filled with some dull crap. I like the We Hate Them 'Cause They're Different song.
The Hunchback Of Notre Dame - By far the best Disney animated feature. Absolutely number one. I love almost everything about this movie (the only thing wrong is that Quasi doesn't get the girl; but that's also realistic so I'll let it slide). I love the music, I love the animation, I love the humor, I love Clopin, I love Hellfire, I love, love, love, love, love this movie. Anybody who disagrees with me is just plain wrong.
Hercules - Actually a lot better than I remembered it being the first time I saw it. Still not great, but entertaining and not the waste of time that some other movies are.
Mulan - Also quite high on my list. I wish they hadn't changed the music in the scene where Mulan cuts her hair and leaves the house (I also hate that I can't find the original music or any information about why it got changed) but other than that, it's fantastic and one of the more easily quoteable Disney films.
Tarzan - I didn't like it (except for the line "Tarzan, Ohisee.") and I was pretty well traumatized by the fate of the bad guy. Probably the most disturbing Disney death (which now actually makes me respect the movie but I wasn't quite into darkness and violence yet at the time).
Fantasia 2000 - It's apparently an unpopular opinion, but I actually like this one better than Fantasia. I wish they had imported a different segment from the original, though; The Sorcerer's Apprentice is one of my least favorites.
The Emperor's New Groove - Boy did they drop the ball on advertising this movie! The previews looked so terrible and so I didn't bother going to see it. When I finally got around to watching it years later and found out it was so brilliantly funny and entertaining, I was mad that the previews made it look so lousy and, therefore, I didn't see it in theaters.
Dinosaur - Didn't see it.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire - The opposite of the Emperor's New Groove situation; the previews were incredible and got me so hyped for the movie, which was a dull letdown. Even now, knowing that the movie is a dull letdown, I can watch that preview and still get completely hyped. It's one hell of a preview.
Lilo And Stitch - I liked it. It was cute. I only saw it once, though, so I guess I didn't like it that much.
Treasure Planet - Hooray for Patrick McGoohan's last film! Also, a smaller hooray aside from that. Treasure Planet wasn't anything to write home about but I did enjoy it and really loved Long John Silver.
Brother Bear - Ugh. Didn't see it.
Home On The Range - I intended to see it because it was hyped as Disney's last classically-animated movie. Also, I heard it has a pretty fantastic Disney Acid Sequence in the middle. But I never did see it and then Disney started making non-compter-animated movies again. So it's all okay, I guess.
Chicken Little - I think I watched this once with Mokey but all I remember is that the beginning really upset me and I didn't pay attention to the rest of it.
Meet The Robinsons - I really want to see this one. It looks great. And I love the "I have a big head and little arms" line. Someday I'll get around to watching it.
Bolt - Rhino is awesome. The plot, not so much.
The Princess And The Frog - Love it. Don't know why I don't own it, actually.
Tangled - Didn't see it. Don't care to.
Winnie The Pooh - Didn't see it. Do care to.
Wreck-It Ralph - Eagerly anticipating its release.
Frozen - Never heard of it but I bet you money it'll be better than the Adam Green movie of the same title.
End of line.
-Sally
Pinocchio - Ditto.
Fantasia - My brother and I used to watch it with the sound off while playing our own music. If you start Come As You Are by Nirvana right at the beginning of the Rite Of Spring segment, it syncs up really well.
Dumbo - Just rewatched Dumbo the other day and noticed for the first time how unbelieveably cruel this movie is. The elephant chicks going around saying Mrs. Jumbo was right to be jailed for defending her child and then going on and shunning said child (who is essentially an infant)?! Jesus Christ, movie!
Bambi - Whenever I say I don't like this movie, everybody assumes it's because of when his mom gets killed. I don't remember that part. I don't like Bambi because Bambi is mindnumbingly boring. And I hate all that twitterpated shit.
Saludos Amigos - Ahh, back when educational films strove to be entertaining as well.
The Three Caballeros - Saludos Amigos's hallucinogen-fuelled cousin. I freaking love this movie! (Also, today I came up with an idea that the whole thing is Donald Duck's struggle with his sexuality; I may write that review someday.)
Make Mine Music; Fun And Fancy Free; Melody Time; The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr. Toad - Not only did I never see these movies, but I doubt anybody else did, either.
Cinderella - I loved Cinderella when I was kid, possibly to the point of obsession (I can still quote almost the whole movie from memory). Which is probably what led to my writing a dark, violent interpretation of the story. I like mine better.
Alice In Wonderland - I love almost any version of Alice In Wonderland that Tim Burton has nothing to do with. Bright, colorful, plotless, amazing.
Peter Pan - I love What Makes The Red Man Red and dislike pretty much everything else. Wendy's a whiner, Peter Pan's an arrogant brat, Tinkerbell is a horrible bitch. Captain Hook, Smee and the nameless pirates are pretty cool, though.
Lady And The Tramp - I actually like Lady And The Tramp a lot more than I think I do.
Sleeping Beauty - Beautiful animation, the fairies are funny, the action is entertaining, Maleficent is a great villain and that dress should be blue goddamnit!
101 Dalmations - Has its moments. I like the line "Crazy woman driver!"
The Sword In The Stone - Loved it when I was a kid, have grown disenchanted with it. Higitus Figitus and Mad Madam Mim are still great but I feel like most of the movie revolves around misery and I just can't deal with it anymore.
The Jungle Book - Forgettable.
The Aristocrats - Fluffy and cute, just like an actual cat.
Robin Hood - My second favorite Disney movie.
The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh - Come on, it's Winnie The Pooh! How could I possibly say anything bad?
The Rescuers - Fuck you, Someone's Waiting For You! What if I didn't feel like crying?
The Fox And The Hound - Fuck you, the entire movie! What if I didn't feel like crying?
The Black Cauldron - Gurgi does not look that way! Good night!
The Great Mouse Detective - I'm pretty sure that when I was a kid I thought Sherlock Holmes was a ripoff of Basil of Baker Street. (I never said I was a bright kid.) I love this movie and I say "Ow! My foot! My only foot!" almost every time I stub my toes.
Oliver And Company - Another movie I know I've seen but cannot remember. I know I like some of the songs.
The Little Mermaid - Loved it when it came out, went through a phase of hating it. It now lies in the category of Better Than I Give It Credit For But Not As Good As Most People Seem To Think. Has one of the best Disney villain songs ever.
The Rescuers Down Under - Never saw it. Don't care to.
Beauty And The Beast - Love it.
Aladdin - I'd have to rewatch it again to decide for myself what I think of Aladdin. All my thoughts about the movie are based on other people's opinions and I honesly don't remember what I think of it.
The Lion King - I like Be Prepared and the part where Timon "dress[es] in drag and do[es] the hula." That is all I like. Fuck this movie.
Pochahontas - Wow, Disney's "resurgence" was filled with some dull crap. I like the We Hate Them 'Cause They're Different song.
The Hunchback Of Notre Dame - By far the best Disney animated feature. Absolutely number one. I love almost everything about this movie (the only thing wrong is that Quasi doesn't get the girl; but that's also realistic so I'll let it slide). I love the music, I love the animation, I love the humor, I love Clopin, I love Hellfire, I love, love, love, love, love this movie. Anybody who disagrees with me is just plain wrong.
Hercules - Actually a lot better than I remembered it being the first time I saw it. Still not great, but entertaining and not the waste of time that some other movies are.
Mulan - Also quite high on my list. I wish they hadn't changed the music in the scene where Mulan cuts her hair and leaves the house (I also hate that I can't find the original music or any information about why it got changed) but other than that, it's fantastic and one of the more easily quoteable Disney films.
Tarzan - I didn't like it (except for the line "Tarzan, Ohisee.") and I was pretty well traumatized by the fate of the bad guy. Probably the most disturbing Disney death (which now actually makes me respect the movie but I wasn't quite into darkness and violence yet at the time).
Fantasia 2000 - It's apparently an unpopular opinion, but I actually like this one better than Fantasia. I wish they had imported a different segment from the original, though; The Sorcerer's Apprentice is one of my least favorites.
The Emperor's New Groove - Boy did they drop the ball on advertising this movie! The previews looked so terrible and so I didn't bother going to see it. When I finally got around to watching it years later and found out it was so brilliantly funny and entertaining, I was mad that the previews made it look so lousy and, therefore, I didn't see it in theaters.
Dinosaur - Didn't see it.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire - The opposite of the Emperor's New Groove situation; the previews were incredible and got me so hyped for the movie, which was a dull letdown. Even now, knowing that the movie is a dull letdown, I can watch that preview and still get completely hyped. It's one hell of a preview.
Lilo And Stitch - I liked it. It was cute. I only saw it once, though, so I guess I didn't like it that much.
Treasure Planet - Hooray for Patrick McGoohan's last film! Also, a smaller hooray aside from that. Treasure Planet wasn't anything to write home about but I did enjoy it and really loved Long John Silver.
Brother Bear - Ugh. Didn't see it.
Home On The Range - I intended to see it because it was hyped as Disney's last classically-animated movie. Also, I heard it has a pretty fantastic Disney Acid Sequence in the middle. But I never did see it and then Disney started making non-compter-animated movies again. So it's all okay, I guess.
Chicken Little - I think I watched this once with Mokey but all I remember is that the beginning really upset me and I didn't pay attention to the rest of it.
Meet The Robinsons - I really want to see this one. It looks great. And I love the "I have a big head and little arms" line. Someday I'll get around to watching it.
Bolt - Rhino is awesome. The plot, not so much.
The Princess And The Frog - Love it. Don't know why I don't own it, actually.
Tangled - Didn't see it. Don't care to.
Winnie The Pooh - Didn't see it. Do care to.
Wreck-It Ralph - Eagerly anticipating its release.
Frozen - Never heard of it but I bet you money it'll be better than the Adam Green movie of the same title.
End of line.
-Sally
The Aristocats
There is an era of Disney movies that is completely forgettable to me. Everything after Sleeping Beauty but before The Great Mouse Detective are movies that I just can't remember exist.
For the curious, those movies are 101 Dalmations (which I think I like), The Sword In The Stone (which I forgot existed even when I owned it; I don't like it as much as I thought I did), The Jungle Book (meh), The Aristocats (which I'll get to), The Rescuers (never saw it and, thanks to the song Someone's Waiting For You, I never will), The Fox And The Hound (HATE!) and The Black Cauldron (I respect it for being Disney's first PG rated animated feature but compared to the books, it blows).
Robin Hood also falls into that time frame, but I adore that movie; it's the only non-forgettable one in the bunch. The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh also falls into that era but it's made up of short films so I don't count it.
The Aristocats and The Rescuers always looked like the same movie to me: weird, disjointed and boring. The Rescuers has a bizarre looking lady with a pet alligator, The Aristocats has ... geese? I don't know. The Aristocats has a couple of good songs, The Rescuers has one soulstabbingly sad song, either way I don't care. I'm not into cats and orphans.
But enough of my crankiness and cynicism.
There are certain rules to watching movies when babysitting very small children (five months and twenty one months). Basically, I can't watch horror movies but Disney movies are the bee's knees. But I'm sick of Peter Pan (speaking of Disney movies I don't really like), cannot handle Dumbo again (speaking of soulstabbingly sad songs) and every time I watch Cinderella I just end up scoffing at it because I like my version better.
They had a copy of The Aristocats lying around, though, and I figured I should give it a try.
And it was pretty okay. I've seen worse.
I've seen better, too. It absolutely deserves to live in the Era Of Forgettable Disney Films. And I feel like there was a huge plot hole or something that irked me, but now that I'm no longer watching the movie, I can't remember what it was.
Overall, it was entertaining. I liked the songs, the cats were cute, the geese were mildly annoying, the Sheriff Of Nottingham was a bassett hound who kept insisting he was the leader and there was really no plot or conflict to speak of.
It was a poofy movie.
You know what's fun, though? Those short, little, one line reviews of Disney movies. I think I know what my next post is going to be!
End of line.
-Sally
For the curious, those movies are 101 Dalmations (which I think I like), The Sword In The Stone (which I forgot existed even when I owned it; I don't like it as much as I thought I did), The Jungle Book (meh), The Aristocats (which I'll get to), The Rescuers (never saw it and, thanks to the song Someone's Waiting For You, I never will), The Fox And The Hound (HATE!) and The Black Cauldron (I respect it for being Disney's first PG rated animated feature but compared to the books, it blows).
Robin Hood also falls into that time frame, but I adore that movie; it's the only non-forgettable one in the bunch. The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh also falls into that era but it's made up of short films so I don't count it.
The Aristocats and The Rescuers always looked like the same movie to me: weird, disjointed and boring. The Rescuers has a bizarre looking lady with a pet alligator, The Aristocats has ... geese? I don't know. The Aristocats has a couple of good songs, The Rescuers has one soulstabbingly sad song, either way I don't care. I'm not into cats and orphans.
But enough of my crankiness and cynicism.
There are certain rules to watching movies when babysitting very small children (five months and twenty one months). Basically, I can't watch horror movies but Disney movies are the bee's knees. But I'm sick of Peter Pan (speaking of Disney movies I don't really like), cannot handle Dumbo again (speaking of soulstabbingly sad songs) and every time I watch Cinderella I just end up scoffing at it because I like my version better.
They had a copy of The Aristocats lying around, though, and I figured I should give it a try.
And it was pretty okay. I've seen worse.
I've seen better, too. It absolutely deserves to live in the Era Of Forgettable Disney Films. And I feel like there was a huge plot hole or something that irked me, but now that I'm no longer watching the movie, I can't remember what it was.
Overall, it was entertaining. I liked the songs, the cats were cute, the geese were mildly annoying, the Sheriff Of Nottingham was a bassett hound who kept insisting he was the leader and there was really no plot or conflict to speak of.
It was a poofy movie.
You know what's fun, though? Those short, little, one line reviews of Disney movies. I think I know what my next post is going to be!
End of line.
-Sally
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Safety Not Guaranteed
I absolutely did not want to see this movie. I had seen one preview for it and thought "That movie would upset me."
I've also been having problems with soulcrushing loneliness and what I used to think was mild depression rearing its ugly head and making me miserable at all times. Like, PMS-style moodiness, but five thousand times worse.
Which is really none of your business and I don't know why I'm telling you about it.
The point is, I didn't want to yet again stay home alone all night and the only companionship option I had was to go see Safety Not Guaranteed with Scott and Ivy.
It's a tough movie to review. The short version is: I liked it. I liked it a lot, actually, far more than I expected to. It had parts I hated and it's definitely the kind of movie that attracts people who tend to like movies I really hate, and if I have to hear them talk about it my opinion might skew. So I really hope I never have to listen to anybody talking about Safety Not Guaranteed.
This movie's going to stick with me for a while.
I hate that in the movies they'll have characters like the female lead who is supposedly antisocial and unpopular and all that crap but then they cast a beautiful actress to play her. She did a fine job and I even liked her, but I don't think it's fair to have a character that I can almost relate to and have her played by someone far prettier than I will ever be; it ruins the connection somehow. If a character is supposed to feel like me, she should look like me, too.
I didn't know until right before the movie that it was based on an internet meme. A movie based on a fucking meme. That is so stupid and pathetic that I feel embarrassed for whoever it was who first had the idea to do it. It's a good thing your movie turned out as good as it did, because no one wants to see your next movie, Don't Tase Me Bro. (Sorry to hear contract negotiations fell through on The Cake Is A Lie. Are you shopping Basement Cat around Hollywood? ... Look, the point is, I can do this all day and it will always be stupid.)
I'm not entirely sure what the point of Fake David Krumholtz's subplot was. It didn't go anywhere; it just kind of invaded the interesting plot every once in a while and made me feel bad about myself and life in general.
Of course, I was feeling like that anyway.
It probably wasn't the right movie for a melancholy mood.
It certainly wasn't a comedy. People in the audience were laughing and I don't know why. I didn't see any humor in the movie. The plot was kind of unusual and a couple of the characters were kind of odd, but they were all interesting and (for the most part) likeable. And nothing in the movie really felt funny. There were happy moments, certainly, but nothing to laugh at.
There were also people in the audience who laughed at a shot of one character crying, so they're probably just asshole people who don't understand what humor is.
The main thing that makes Safety Not Guaranteed (which I did really like, despite the overall negative tone of this review; that's a reflection of my mood more than the movie) as good as it is, is Mark Duplass's performance as the main character.
Now, there are a lot of really great actors in the world who can just blend into parts and play them well, and I can suspend my disbelief for all but the worst acting jobs. But almost never do I have to remind myself that the person on the screen isn't real but in fact a character portrayed by someone else.
I had to do that with this movie. It didn't occur to me until almost the end of the movie that Kenneth isn't a real person, he's a character played by Mark Duplass. (A character who, if he were real, I wouldn't be able to be friends with. I wouldn't have the patience for him. But with a protective layer of movie between us, I found him quite likeable.)
I wish the whole movie was about Kenneth and Darius. The minor characters's subplots did nothing for me.
End of line.
-Sally
I've also been having problems with soulcrushing loneliness and what I used to think was mild depression rearing its ugly head and making me miserable at all times. Like, PMS-style moodiness, but five thousand times worse.
Which is really none of your business and I don't know why I'm telling you about it.
The point is, I didn't want to yet again stay home alone all night and the only companionship option I had was to go see Safety Not Guaranteed with Scott and Ivy.
It's a tough movie to review. The short version is: I liked it. I liked it a lot, actually, far more than I expected to. It had parts I hated and it's definitely the kind of movie that attracts people who tend to like movies I really hate, and if I have to hear them talk about it my opinion might skew. So I really hope I never have to listen to anybody talking about Safety Not Guaranteed.
This movie's going to stick with me for a while.
I hate that in the movies they'll have characters like the female lead who is supposedly antisocial and unpopular and all that crap but then they cast a beautiful actress to play her. She did a fine job and I even liked her, but I don't think it's fair to have a character that I can almost relate to and have her played by someone far prettier than I will ever be; it ruins the connection somehow. If a character is supposed to feel like me, she should look like me, too.
I didn't know until right before the movie that it was based on an internet meme. A movie based on a fucking meme. That is so stupid and pathetic that I feel embarrassed for whoever it was who first had the idea to do it. It's a good thing your movie turned out as good as it did, because no one wants to see your next movie, Don't Tase Me Bro. (Sorry to hear contract negotiations fell through on The Cake Is A Lie. Are you shopping Basement Cat around Hollywood? ... Look, the point is, I can do this all day and it will always be stupid.)
I'm not entirely sure what the point of Fake David Krumholtz's subplot was. It didn't go anywhere; it just kind of invaded the interesting plot every once in a while and made me feel bad about myself and life in general.
Of course, I was feeling like that anyway.
It probably wasn't the right movie for a melancholy mood.
It certainly wasn't a comedy. People in the audience were laughing and I don't know why. I didn't see any humor in the movie. The plot was kind of unusual and a couple of the characters were kind of odd, but they were all interesting and (for the most part) likeable. And nothing in the movie really felt funny. There were happy moments, certainly, but nothing to laugh at.
There were also people in the audience who laughed at a shot of one character crying, so they're probably just asshole people who don't understand what humor is.
The main thing that makes Safety Not Guaranteed (which I did really like, despite the overall negative tone of this review; that's a reflection of my mood more than the movie) as good as it is, is Mark Duplass's performance as the main character.
Now, there are a lot of really great actors in the world who can just blend into parts and play them well, and I can suspend my disbelief for all but the worst acting jobs. But almost never do I have to remind myself that the person on the screen isn't real but in fact a character portrayed by someone else.
I had to do that with this movie. It didn't occur to me until almost the end of the movie that Kenneth isn't a real person, he's a character played by Mark Duplass. (A character who, if he were real, I wouldn't be able to be friends with. I wouldn't have the patience for him. But with a protective layer of movie between us, I found him quite likeable.)
I wish the whole movie was about Kenneth and Darius. The minor characters's subplots did nothing for me.
End of line.
-Sally
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