Thursday, September 20, 2012

Disney animated features (short reviews)

Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - If I ever saw it, I don't remember it.
Pinocchio - Ditto.
Fantasia - My brother and I used to watch it with the sound off while playing our own music. If you start Come As You Are by Nirvana right at the beginning of the Rite Of Spring segment, it syncs up really well.
Dumbo - Just rewatched Dumbo the other day and noticed for the first time how unbelieveably cruel this movie is. The elephant chicks going around saying Mrs. Jumbo was right to be jailed for defending her child and then going on and shunning said child (who is essentially an infant)?! Jesus Christ, movie!
Bambi - Whenever I say I don't like this movie, everybody assumes it's because of when his mom gets killed. I don't remember that part. I don't like Bambi because Bambi is mindnumbingly boring. And I hate all that twitterpated shit.
Saludos Amigos - Ahh, back when educational films strove to be entertaining as well.
The Three Caballeros - Saludos Amigos's hallucinogen-fuelled cousin. I freaking love this movie! (Also, today I came up with an idea that the whole thing is Donald Duck's struggle with his sexuality; I may write that review someday.)
Make Mine Music; Fun And Fancy Free; Melody Time; The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr. Toad - Not only did I never see these movies, but I doubt anybody else did, either.
Cinderella - I loved Cinderella when I was kid, possibly to the point of obsession (I can still quote almost the whole movie from memory). Which is probably what led to my writing a dark, violent interpretation of the story. I like mine better.
Alice In Wonderland - I love almost any version of Alice In Wonderland that Tim Burton has nothing to do with. Bright, colorful, plotless, amazing.
Peter Pan - I love What Makes The Red Man Red and dislike pretty much everything else. Wendy's a whiner, Peter Pan's an arrogant brat, Tinkerbell is a horrible bitch. Captain Hook, Smee and the nameless pirates are pretty cool, though.
Lady And The Tramp - I actually like Lady And The Tramp a lot more than I think I do.
Sleeping Beauty - Beautiful animation, the fairies are funny, the action is entertaining, Maleficent is a great villain and that dress should be blue goddamnit!
101 Dalmations - Has its moments. I like the line "Crazy woman driver!"
The Sword In The Stone - Loved it when I was a kid, have grown disenchanted with it. Higitus Figitus and Mad Madam Mim are still great but I feel like most of the movie revolves around misery and I just can't deal with it anymore.
The Jungle Book - Forgettable.
The Aristocrats - Fluffy and cute, just like an actual cat.
Robin Hood - My second favorite Disney movie.
The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh - Come on, it's Winnie The Pooh! How could I possibly say anything bad?
The Rescuers - Fuck you, Someone's Waiting For You! What if I didn't feel like crying?
The Fox And The Hound - Fuck you, the entire movie! What if I didn't feel like crying?
The Black Cauldron - Gurgi does not look that way! Good night!
The Great Mouse Detective - I'm pretty sure that when I was a kid I thought Sherlock Holmes was a ripoff of Basil of Baker Street. (I never said I was a bright kid.) I love this movie and I say "Ow! My foot! My only foot!" almost every time I stub my toes.
Oliver And Company - Another movie I know I've seen but cannot remember. I know I like some of the songs.
The Little Mermaid - Loved it when it came out, went through a phase of hating it. It now lies in the category of Better Than I Give It Credit For But Not As Good As Most People Seem To Think. Has one of the best Disney villain songs ever.
The Rescuers Down Under - Never saw it. Don't care to.
Beauty And The Beast - Love it.
Aladdin - I'd have to rewatch it again to decide for myself what I think of Aladdin. All my thoughts about the movie are based on other people's opinions and I honesly don't remember what I think of it.
The Lion King - I like Be Prepared and the part where Timon "dress[es] in drag and do[es] the hula." That is all I like. Fuck this movie.
Pochahontas - Wow, Disney's "resurgence" was filled with some dull crap. I like the We Hate Them 'Cause They're Different song.
The Hunchback Of Notre Dame - By far the best Disney animated feature. Absolutely number one. I love almost everything about this movie (the only thing wrong is that Quasi doesn't get the girl; but that's also realistic so I'll let it slide). I love the music, I love the animation, I love the humor, I love Clopin, I love Hellfire, I love, love, love, love, love this movie. Anybody who disagrees with me is just plain wrong.
Hercules - Actually a lot better than I remembered it being the first time I saw it. Still not great, but entertaining and not the waste of time that some other movies are.
Mulan - Also quite high on my list. I wish they hadn't changed the music in the scene where Mulan cuts her hair and leaves the house (I also hate that I can't find the original music or any information about why it got changed) but other than that, it's fantastic and one of the more easily quoteable Disney films.
Tarzan - I didn't like it (except for the line "Tarzan, Ohisee.") and I was pretty well traumatized by the fate of the bad guy. Probably the most disturbing Disney death (which now actually makes me respect the movie but I wasn't quite into darkness and violence yet at the time).
Fantasia 2000 - It's apparently an unpopular opinion, but I actually like this one better than Fantasia. I wish they had imported a different segment from the original, though; The Sorcerer's Apprentice is one of my least favorites.
The Emperor's New Groove - Boy did they drop the ball on advertising this movie! The previews looked so terrible and so I didn't bother going to see it. When I finally got around to watching it years later and found out it was so brilliantly funny and entertaining, I was mad that the previews made it look so lousy and, therefore, I didn't see it in theaters.
Dinosaur - Didn't see it.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire - The opposite of the Emperor's New Groove situation; the previews were incredible and got me so hyped for the movie, which was a dull letdown. Even now, knowing that the movie is a dull letdown, I can watch that preview and still get completely hyped. It's one hell of a preview.
Lilo And Stitch - I liked it. It was cute. I only saw it once, though, so I guess I didn't like it that much.
Treasure Planet - Hooray for Patrick McGoohan's last film! Also, a smaller hooray aside from that. Treasure Planet wasn't anything to write home about but I did enjoy it and really loved Long John Silver.
Brother Bear - Ugh. Didn't see it.
Home On The Range - I intended to see it because it was hyped as Disney's last classically-animated movie. Also, I heard it has a pretty fantastic Disney Acid Sequence in the middle. But I never did see it and then Disney started making non-compter-animated movies again. So it's all okay, I guess.
Chicken Little - I think I watched this once with Mokey but all I remember is that the beginning really upset me and I didn't pay attention to the rest of it.
Meet The Robinsons - I really want to see this one. It looks great. And I love the "I have a big head and little arms" line. Someday I'll get around to watching it.
Bolt - Rhino is awesome. The plot, not so much.
The Princess And The Frog - Love it. Don't know why I don't own it, actually.
Tangled - Didn't see it. Don't care to.
Winnie The Pooh - Didn't see it. Do care to.
Wreck-It Ralph - Eagerly anticipating its release.
Frozen - Never heard of it but I bet you money it'll be better than the Adam Green movie of the same title.

End of line.

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