The Lords Of Salem

I have been agonizing over how to write this review pretty much since the moment the movie started. I have a very hard time knowing what to say when I enjoy a movie. What can you possibly say? Usually if I love something, it's intangible; there's no "why." It doesn't matter if you're talking about a movie or a person or anything else, love shouldn't have to have a "why."
And I love Rob Zombie movies. I feel like he and I are on the same wavelength on what is aesthetically pleasing and I think he makes the kind of movies that I, without even knowing it, am craving at any given time.
The Lords Of Salem is basically about Satan-worshipping witches, which is a premise that would not have drawn me in if it weren't preceded by the phrase "A Rob Zombie Film" but nevertheless he did the opposite of what Stephen King always does: he came up with a concept that didn't sound interesting to me and did with it exactly everything I would have wanted to see.
The movie takes almost no time at all devolving into brain melting weirdness, with things like naked old witch ghosts, glowing crosses, a yeti looking thing, something my friend and I dubbed the Turkey Baby, fucked up dream sequences, pervy priests, devil chaos and the kind of music video visuals that I happen to love. Some of the weird things fall flat. Turkey Baby in particular kind of ruined a beautiful scene that, until it showed up, was giving me chills.
But that's just the thing; few movies give me chills anymore but I have yet to see a Rob Zombie movie that doesn't. There's something about his style that really gets to me and I'm always disheartened to hear that his movies almost invariably get terrible reviews. What am I seeing that everyone else is missing?
Apparently a lot of people are claiming Sheri Moon-Zombie can't carry a movie. She's appeared in every one of her husband's films but this is the first one where she plays the lead. And I honestly don't think she had a problem carrying the movie. Not exactly, anyway. You see, even though Heidi is the main character, she isn't given much to do beyond look pretty and quickly deteriorate into witchy madness. And, while I agree that she isn't the greatest actress to grace the screen, she's by no means bad. She's certainly better than I would be.
The problem is she's outshined by the supporting cast. Bruce Davison was so likeable I forgot that he's Senator Mutant Hater. Patricia Quinn was so on that she made me wish I didn't hate The Rocky Horror Picture Show; even when she was in the background, not doing anything, she drew my focus. And Jeff Daniel Phillips, who I'd never heard of before, was incredibly endearing as Heidi's sweet and concerned coworker who seems to be the only person who really notices she's in trouble.
It's not a perfect film. It has its faults. But it did exactly what I had hoped it would do: it got to me. I can feel myself teetering on the edge of obsession with it. It's disjointed and it's weird and it's visually stunning. There were parts of it I loved, there were parts of it I hated and I want very much to see it again.
Several times.
Yes, I tend to be a Rob Zombie cheerleader. I love his movies. But I have no interest in seeing The Devil's Rejects or Halloween or The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto again. Yes, I own them. Yes, I'll probably revisit them at some point. But Devil's Rejects is exhausting, Halloween is depressing (that scene with Danny Trejo breaks my heart) and El Superbeasto ... well, the Hard 'N Phirm songs are pretty much all that movie has going for it as far as I'm concerned.
The Lords Of Salem, on the other hand, I can picture watching several times trying to take it all in. I still don't love it as much as House Of 1000 Corpses (that movie just makes me happy) but I did leave the theater feeling giddy and overwhelmed and filled with the strong desire to turn right back around and go see it again.

End of line.
-Sally