Saturday, December 29, 2012

Hostel Part III

The premise of Hostels One and Two was basically "Everyone in Europe is in cahoots to send Americans to Siberia (or wherever) to be killed." The premise of Hostel Three, on the other hand, is "Hostel Three is stupid."
The plot is about four buddies (Generic, Ugly, Asshole and Disabled) who go to Las Vegas for Generic's bachelor party. There they meet two hot chicks who take them to a party. Asshole goes missing and everybody gets picked off one by one.
(I feel I should point out that Ugly is an asshole and Asshole is ugly; their nicknames could be interchangable. And part of me feels like I shouldn't go around writing reviews where I judge people based on their looks (I'm no prize pig myself) but fuck you, it's my blog and everybody judges everybody on their looks anyway, whether they admit it or not.)
Hostel Three sort of rehashes Hostel One in a lot of ways, but with an added gambling spin, I guess because it takes place in Las Vegas. And it shies away from a lot of the gore. And it's less interesting. And I don't give a shit about any of the characters except Bald Guy, who has nothing to do with the bachelor party buddies. He spends most of the movie in a cell being pissed off because they took his girlfriend and he's the only character I felt any sympathy for at all.
Everything about Hostel Three screamed "straight to video" or, worse, "TV show trying to be 'edgy'." There are, near the end, two fight scenes that are basically just sword fights (but with different objects in place of swords) and suddenly I felt like I was watching that episode of Angel where Angel and Lindsay get into a ridiculous sword fight for reasons I can't quite remember. If they'd cut back on the gore a little more and edited out all the "fuck"s, Hostel Three could have been an overly long episode of a violent TV drama, the kind that airs at 10 PM.
I really like the first two Hostels and I wasn't expecting much from the third entry, but I was still disappointed with it. It's certainly not worth owning. It wouldn't even be worth renting. It was barely worth the no money I spent watching it on the "free" section of my cable box's on demand.
It's not good, is what I'm saying.
Also, Ugly looked really fucking familiar but I didn't recognize his name and it's going to drive me crazy trying to figure out where I've seen him except I think I figured it out while I was typing that sentence: he's the skinny bully from Hocus Pocus.
(Okay, I just looked him up and he isn't. The only other thing I've seen him in is the remake of The Wizard Of Gore. I think he was the main guy who was pretentiously anachronistsic. I hated that character, too.)

End of line.

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