Creepshow

Creepshow is one of those movies I saw bits and pieces of when I was younger. My brother watched it a lot and tried repeatedly to get me to watch it, too, but this was back in the day when I insisted I was never going to watch scary movies. (I did, however, absorb everything my brother said about every scary movie he watched. Loved hearing about 'em, too scaredy cat to watch 'em.)
You'd think in the ten years since I became a horror fan, I'd've gotten around to watching Creepshow before now. What can I say? I'm lazy. Thanks to Movie Lottery 3-D, though, it was inescapable.
Creepshow was written by Stephen King, directed by George Romero and based on the EC Comics' Tales From The Crypt template: bad people get comeuppances 'cause they did something bad. The movie often feels like watching a live action comic book and between each of the stories we see animated shots of ads for things like voodoo dolls, x-ray specs and being strong so tough guys at the beach won't kick sand at you in front of pretty girls (they sell that?). Mmm ... gimmicky. I love that sort of thing.
Now, because it's the easiest way to do this, I shall review each story individually:
Wraparound Story Part One: A father who thinks horror comic books are crap (he says so about fifty times in the span of two minutes) throws his son's copy of Creepshow in the garbage. His meek, probably abused wife tries to defend the kid, to which he replies by saying "crap" about fifty more times. Meanwhile the kid is upstairs smiling at a floating skeleton outside his window. Looks like dad's going to pay for what he's done, perhaps? No time to find out now, though. Instead, we shall watch the awesome opening credits sequence and move on to...
Father's Day: Seven years ago Aunt Bedelia killed her dad when he wouldn't shut up about his damn Father's Day cake. Now every year she and her rich, snooty family get together for a celebratory dinner on the murder's anniversary (or, at least, on Father's Day every year; it can't really be the anniversary since Father's Day is perpetually changing). This year, though, things go a little differently. Turns out dad still wants that cake.
Okay, I've seen a lot of horror movies and usually jump scares don't get me. This one got me. A skeletal hand pops out of the ground at one point, which I knew about in advance, and I still jumped. I applaud any movie that gets me with a jump scare.
The only thing about this story that really bugs me is Ed Harris's death. Sure, he's had it coming since I saw State Of Grace fifteen years ago (long story) but seriously, in this one he's just being an idiot.
"Hey, an abandoned bottle of booze on the dirty cemetery ground. Sure, I'll drink some without regard to whose it is, how it got there or the fact that it's on the dirty cemetery ground. Oops! I fell in a hole because tilting my head back to take a sip makes me lose all sense of balance. Hey, that headstone above me keeps moving like it's about to fall on my head. I think, rather than get the fuck out of here as fast as humanly possible, I'll lie here and make bug eyed scaredy faces for five minutes. Oh, whoops, nevermind, no time for that. I'm dead 'cause that stone fell on me, just like it looked like it was going to. Maybe I should've moved instead of making stupid faces. Jeez, I'm dumb."
In spite of (because of?) that scene, Father's Day was one of my favorite stories in the movie. It was short but it was entertaining, and it reminded me a lot of old horror comics (probably helped by the fact that this story used more comic book panels and page turns and whatnot more than any of the others. I think). It's a fun story and a good way to start a movie.
The Lonesome Death Of Jordy Verrill: Jordy is a slow on the uptake farmer who finds a meteor on his land, which oozes meteor shit on him and slowly turns him into a moss monster.
Okay, I'd actually seen this story in its entirity before. It was the one part of the movie I could be convinced to watch, and back in the day I liked it a lot. Now I think it's my least favorite story (...no, wait, maybe not) just because it's so sad. Jordy isn't a rich snob, a murderer, a loudmouth or a racist. He's just kinda dumb and apparently has perpetual bad luck and you just want to give the poor guy a hug. I used to think it was funny, but this time it just made me sad.
Still, though, good for Stephen King, who plays Jordy, for making me care that much.
Something To Tide You Over: Leslie Nielsen doesn't take too kindly when his wife cheats on him with Ted Danson. Luckily he owns an entire beach and has a very creative evil mind. Unfortunately, he's in a George Romero movie and George Romero loves him some zombies.
I love affably evil villains, and Leslie Nielsen plays a damn good one, chatting cheerfully with Ted Danson, who he's buried up to his neck on the beach in order to drown him when the tide comes in. His wife is experiencing the same fate further down the beach. Still, Leslie Nielsen could not be chipperer. That is always entertaining to me.
And when Ted Danson and ladyfriend come back as sloshy, waterlogged zombies (that aren't even affected by bullets to the head) my stomach hit the damn floor. For a second I stood by my younger self's conviction that this movie is too scary for me.
The Crate: Poor Hal Holbrook really hates his obnoxious, loudmouth, drunken, bossy wife and often has daydreams of killing her. Meanwhile, a colleague of his finds a crate with a people-eating monster inside. A monster who is very hungry, thanks to being locked away under a staircase for almost two hundred years.
I liked The Crate but, honestly, it was too long. I stopped caring way before it was over. I do think, however, it would have made a pretty good feature if they'd decided to expand it. So I guess it was simultaneously too long and too short.
The first daydream scene was my favorite part of the story. The wife is being her usual obnoxious self at a party, obliviously making everybody visibly uncomfortable, and her husband calls out to her. She turns and starts to tell him off and he shoots her in the head. Everybody golf claps and tells him what a good shot it was. Cracked me up.
Also, the thing in the crate was pretty cool looking. Very furry, a lot of fangs. It actually reminded me of the yeti in the Matterhorn at Disneyland (a yeti which, frankly, scares me. I keep my eyes closed on that ride).
They're Creeping Up On You: A racist, germophobic business man who cares about nothing but money and cleanliness is trying to celebrate the suicide of a rival business man, but can't because his apartment is overrun by cockroaches.
I'm terrified of bugs. I don't understand how they work and that creeps me out. I don't even like butterflies (I mean, they're fine as long as they stay the hell away from me) which apparently makes me not a girl in some cultures. Anyway, I was looking forward to this story, assuming it would give me the jibblies more than any other story in Creepshow.
Boy, was I underwhelmed. I forgot that I'm not afraid of moving pictures of bugs on screens, where I know they can't come near me.
They're Creeping Up On You is the most famous story in Creepshow and I can see why: that's a heroic amount of cockroaches. But, other than the part where they're in his food (that made me gag; one of my biggest fears is finding bugs in my food, thanks in part to the fact that I actually have on more than one occasion), they didn't bother me. I would have been freaking the damn hell out if I'd been on that set, but the whole sequence wasn't nearly as unsettling as I'd been expecting and, thanks to it being a bit of a letdown (and kinda boring, actually; guy says some mean stuff, guy fights bugs, repeat repeatedly) it might have been my least favorite story in the movie.
They're Creeping... versus ...Jordy Verrill. Underwhelming versus sad. Who will win the title of Sally's Least Favorite Creepshow Story?
(drumroll)
I don't know. Is it really that important?
Wraparound Story Part Two: The next morning, dad has finally stopped saying "crap" but is instead complaining of a sore neck, which turns into choking. Meanwhile, son is upstairs stabbing a voodoo doll draped in part of one of dad's shirts, saying "Take away my comic book, will you?"
Way to overreact, kid. Just buy another one and hide it better next time.
Also, one of the garbage collectors is Tom Savini.

End of line.
-Sally