Mama starts with a man kidnapping his two young daughters and frantically driving into the snow, crashing his car and taking shelter in an abandoned cabin.
The man's brother, Luke, never gives up searching and five years later the little girls are found, still living in the cabin (minus Dad) and pretty much completely feral.
Luke wins custody of the girls over their aunt Cunty McSourface (starring in her own pointless subplot) and he moves with the girls and his girlfriend, Fake Shawnee Smith, (who we'll get to in a minute) into a house owned by the psychiatric hospital.
The girls, the younger one especially, are preoccupied with their mother figure, a spooky entity named Mama, who helped them survive in the woods. Mama doesn't like her girls being taken away and she is pissed. She incapacitates Luke (probably the only likeable character other than the girls's psychiatrist; I'd say the girls were likeable but they were kind of one dimensional) and while he's in the hospital the girls are stuck living with Fake Shawnee Smith, who is just a delight.
In this case, "delight" means I hate her.
She's a walking talking stereotype; she has dyed black hair, wears too much eye makeup, has tattoos, plays bass in a band and is totally not into this whole raising kids deal. I spent the whole movie wishing Mama would just kill her already so the story could get back to Luke.
But it turns out he's not the protagonist like the first twenty minutes of the movie would have you believe. This is Fake Shawnee Smith's story. Shit.
It's no secret that I'm oversensitive to horror involving babies and young children. I cried all the way through Inside, The Dream Child is one of my least favorite of the Elm Street series and I won't even try to watch It's Alive or The Omen or Obligatory Third Example. (Pet Sematery? Yeah, let's go with Pet Sematery.) I know I'll have an irrationally hard time with them so I just don't bother.
So I knew going in that Mama might be a difficult watch for me (but I couldn't pass it up; the previews were too enticing) and I was prepared for a lot of what was to come.
But it turns out Mama has a backstory reminiscent of La Llorona and I was not prepared for that at all. There's a nightmare sequence in the movie that reduced me to tears and the ending left me feeling empty and sad.
That being said, the ghost was well CGId (very creepy) and most of the movie was visually striking. It was mostly well acted (the kids did a great job) and the overuse of jump scares didn't bother me nearly as much as the idiot teenagers who seemed to think the whole audience gave a shit what they think.
And, also, P.S., moths. So many moths. Probably fine if you don't have a problem with them but I happen to be terrified of moths.
End of line.
-Sally
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Alfred Hitchcock Presents: The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Ordinarily I don't include episodes of TV shows on this blog because that's just silly. But the Alfred Hitchcock set I just got has two episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents on it and I have a few things to say about this episode.
First of all, I love listening to Hitchcock talk. He has a great, entertaining cadence and a dry, dark sense of humor that makes me wish I had every episode of this series just so I could hear his introductions and epilogues.
Secondly, The Sorcerer's Apprentice was pretty run of the mill storywise; mostly predictable and honestly not even all that interesting. But the way it ended really got to me. In a movie that I would watch nowadays they'd show the whole scene in full, gory glory and I would have enjoyed every moment of it. (I won't give anything away other than that a giant circular saw is involved.) But clearly they couldn't get away with that sort of thing on television in 1962 so they had to be clever and only use close ups of faces.
And it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Either I'm getting soft in my old age or it was a really well done scene.
End of line.
-Sally
First of all, I love listening to Hitchcock talk. He has a great, entertaining cadence and a dry, dark sense of humor that makes me wish I had every episode of this series just so I could hear his introductions and epilogues.
Secondly, The Sorcerer's Apprentice was pretty run of the mill storywise; mostly predictable and honestly not even all that interesting. But the way it ended really got to me. In a movie that I would watch nowadays they'd show the whole scene in full, gory glory and I would have enjoyed every moment of it. (I won't give anything away other than that a giant circular saw is involved.) But clearly they couldn't get away with that sort of thing on television in 1962 so they had to be clever and only use close ups of faces.
And it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Either I'm getting soft in my old age or it was a really well done scene.
End of line.
-Sally
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Road To El Dorado
Tulio (voiced by Kevin Kline) and Miguel (voiced by Kenneth Branagh even though you'd expect him to be the one who's Kevin Kline since he kind of looks like Phoebus. He's like a cross between Phoebus and Toki Wartooth) are best friends and con artists who accidentally stow away on Cortez's ship. (Cortez is played by either the guy who voiced Shan Yu or the guy who narrates movie previews.) He's going to have them flogged and then flogged but instead they escape and land on an island that Miguel thinks hides the lost city of El Dorado.
Well, it turns out it does and Tulio and Miguel are mistaken for gods because clearly pale dudes are superior to tan ones. (?) The Speaker For The Gods (played by leftover animation of Klaus from The Chipmunk Adventure) is super excited to see them because he thinks they're there to usher in the Age Of The Jaguar and kill a bunch of people because if there's one thing gods love it's human sacrifices. Fatty The King isn't into the human sacrifices but he's happy to see the gods, too, 'cause gods.
There's also a token hot chick named Chell who knows Tulio and Miguel aren't gods and agrees to help them with their con if they agree to take her with them when they leave El Dorado because she's anxious to work for Aperture Labaratories (anybody?).
A lot of The Road To El Dorado looks like the animators were having fun with their fancy new computer animation toys; a whole lot of things are obviously CG, but in a really adorable 1990s way so I can't hate it (although back when the movie was new, I would have).
Honestly I didn't think I was that into the movie while I was watching until it got to the random basketball scene and I was suddenly annoyed that they basically stopped the plot for a quidditch match. That's when I realized I was completely engrossed in the story. I still don't know if I really liked The Road To El Dorado but it is a really good movie. Better than I would have expected. It actually did the job I was hoping Home On The Range would do by being way better than the previews made it look. It even had a pretty good Disney Acid Sequence (or, I guess, Dreamworks Acid Sequence) during the song It's Tough To Be A God.
Which was the only good song, by the way. The Lion King dream team of Elton John and Tim Rice got back together for this movie. (In this case, the phrase "dream team" is sarcastic.) I hate 1990s Elton John. All his songs sound they same and he's way too into being serious or meaningful or ballady or whatever. Shut up, dude. I want to know about how you're still standing in order to do the crocodile rock with Levon. If you want to be serious, have Roy Rogers say goodbye to the yellow brick road. Other than that, keep your mouth shut because nobody cares.
(I just name dropped every Elton John song I like.)
End of line.
-Sally
Well, it turns out it does and Tulio and Miguel are mistaken for gods because clearly pale dudes are superior to tan ones. (?) The Speaker For The Gods (played by leftover animation of Klaus from The Chipmunk Adventure) is super excited to see them because he thinks they're there to usher in the Age Of The Jaguar and kill a bunch of people because if there's one thing gods love it's human sacrifices. Fatty The King isn't into the human sacrifices but he's happy to see the gods, too, 'cause gods.
There's also a token hot chick named Chell who knows Tulio and Miguel aren't gods and agrees to help them with their con if they agree to take her with them when they leave El Dorado because she's anxious to work for Aperture Labaratories (anybody?).
A lot of The Road To El Dorado looks like the animators were having fun with their fancy new computer animation toys; a whole lot of things are obviously CG, but in a really adorable 1990s way so I can't hate it (although back when the movie was new, I would have).
Honestly I didn't think I was that into the movie while I was watching until it got to the random basketball scene and I was suddenly annoyed that they basically stopped the plot for a quidditch match. That's when I realized I was completely engrossed in the story. I still don't know if I really liked The Road To El Dorado but it is a really good movie. Better than I would have expected. It actually did the job I was hoping Home On The Range would do by being way better than the previews made it look. It even had a pretty good Disney Acid Sequence (or, I guess, Dreamworks Acid Sequence) during the song It's Tough To Be A God.
Which was the only good song, by the way. The Lion King dream team of Elton John and Tim Rice got back together for this movie. (In this case, the phrase "dream team" is sarcastic.) I hate 1990s Elton John. All his songs sound they same and he's way too into being serious or meaningful or ballady or whatever. Shut up, dude. I want to know about how you're still standing in order to do the crocodile rock with Levon. If you want to be serious, have Roy Rogers say goodbye to the yellow brick road. Other than that, keep your mouth shut because nobody cares.
(I just name dropped every Elton John song I like.)
End of line.
-Sally
Blackmail
A dippy blonde ditches her cop boyfriend at a restaurant so she can sneak off with another dude she saw there. At his apartment there's a scene of them flirting for about twelve hours before he tries to kiss her, which disgusts her apparently 'cause suddenly she's not into him anymore. So he tries to rape her 'cause that always wins a lady over but she kills him with a cheese knife. Knowing no good can come of this, she spends the rest of the movie with crazy eyes.
Luckily her cop boyfriend is on the case and willing to cover for her. Unfortunately, a weird vagrant with a criminal record saw the dippy blonde with the dead guy and has decided to title of the movie them (for what he never really seems to say).
The problem with Blackmail is that there isn't a single likeable character in the bunch and it's really hard to care about or even pay attention to what's going on when you don't like anybody involved. I sat through the whole thing, but only barely.
Hitchcock's cameo is near the beginning on a subway train. A little kid pulls his hat over his eyes.
End of line.
-Sally
Luckily her cop boyfriend is on the case and willing to cover for her. Unfortunately, a weird vagrant with a criminal record saw the dippy blonde with the dead guy and has decided to title of the movie them (for what he never really seems to say).
The problem with Blackmail is that there isn't a single likeable character in the bunch and it's really hard to care about or even pay attention to what's going on when you don't like anybody involved. I sat through the whole thing, but only barely.
Hitchcock's cameo is near the beginning on a subway train. A little kid pulls his hat over his eyes.
End of line.
-Sally
Saturday, January 19, 2013
She Gods Of Shark Reef
Two American Navymen are not happy to be shipwrecked on an island inhabited only by women.
I feel like there's a gay joke somewhere in there.
I feel like there's a gay joke somewhere in there.
The Lady Vanishes
One night in a very crowded hotel a Rich Heiress meets a Little Old Lady and a Friendly Dapper Cad, who turn out to be the two most important people on the train trip she takes the next day. Before boarding the train, a windowbox fell on Rich Heiress's head and Little Old Lady helped her onto the train and bought her some tea.
Rich Heiress then took a nap and when she woke up, Little Old Lady was gone and everyone on the train went to great lengths to tell Rich Heriess that Little Old Lady was never there at all. Luckily, Friendly Dapper Cad is on the train and believes Rich Heiress's story and helps her solve the mystery (which is good because she faints so often she'd never be able to figure it out on her own).
The Lady Vanishes was great; it sucked me right in (well, actually I didn't really feel sucked in until after the title of the movie happened. Before that there was a lot of time spent with two gentlemen who are trying very hard to get to a cricket match. The first ten or so minutes of the movie go to great lengths to convince you the whole movie's going to be about them) and for the most part I really enjoyed it.
The leads were very likeable though sometimes the people who were being no help were a little too obviously sinister. But overall it was a great, engrossing movie.
But something about it isn't quite sitting right with me. I guess it took a turn at one point. Not necessarily a bad turn, just not the one I was hoping it would take.
And good for the movie to keep me engrossed and guessing; I hate it when I figure out what's going on before the movie tells me. It takes all the fun out of watching movies to be sitting there predicting things. I've never understood people who are proud of their ability to know what's going to happen.
All in all, it's a solid Hitchcock movie. His cameo is at the train station near the end.
End of line.
-Sally
Rich Heiress then took a nap and when she woke up, Little Old Lady was gone and everyone on the train went to great lengths to tell Rich Heriess that Little Old Lady was never there at all. Luckily, Friendly Dapper Cad is on the train and believes Rich Heiress's story and helps her solve the mystery (which is good because she faints so often she'd never be able to figure it out on her own).
The Lady Vanishes was great; it sucked me right in (well, actually I didn't really feel sucked in until after the title of the movie happened. Before that there was a lot of time spent with two gentlemen who are trying very hard to get to a cricket match. The first ten or so minutes of the movie go to great lengths to convince you the whole movie's going to be about them) and for the most part I really enjoyed it.
The leads were very likeable though sometimes the people who were being no help were a little too obviously sinister. But overall it was a great, engrossing movie.
But something about it isn't quite sitting right with me. I guess it took a turn at one point. Not necessarily a bad turn, just not the one I was hoping it would take.
And good for the movie to keep me engrossed and guessing; I hate it when I figure out what's going on before the movie tells me. It takes all the fun out of watching movies to be sitting there predicting things. I've never understood people who are proud of their ability to know what's going to happen.
All in all, it's a solid Hitchcock movie. His cameo is at the train station near the end.
End of line.
-Sally
Friday, January 18, 2013
Dream Casting: Clue (part two: the revenge!)
A couple years ago I posted a list of who I would cast in a remake of Clue. That list was poorly thought out and twisted in an attempt to cram as many actors from Leverage as I could. I'm not pleased with it. (In fact, I deleted it. It's gone now.)
So I'm trying again. Here's hoping this one goes a little better.
Colonel Mustard - Chris Hardwick
Miss Scarlett - Naomie Harris
Mister Boddy - Mike Patton
Mister Green - Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Mrs. Peacock - Helena Bonham Carter
Mrs. White - Christina Ricci
Professor Plum - Robert Downey Jr.
the chief - Eugene Mirman
the cook - Sally Zybert (why shouldn't I put myself in my fantasy version of this movie? It's not like I gave myself a lead role or anything)
the cop - Mike Phirman
the motorist - Eugene Hutz
the singing telegram - Alisa Burket
Wadsworth - Gary Oldman
Yvette - Sheri Moon-Zombie
Be seeing you.
-Sally
So I'm trying again. Here's hoping this one goes a little better.
Colonel Mustard - Chris Hardwick
Miss Scarlett - Naomie Harris
Mister Boddy - Mike Patton
Mister Green - Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Mrs. Peacock - Helena Bonham Carter
Mrs. White - Christina Ricci
Professor Plum - Robert Downey Jr.
the chief - Eugene Mirman
the cook - Sally Zybert (why shouldn't I put myself in my fantasy version of this movie? It's not like I gave myself a lead role or anything)
the cop - Mike Phirman
the motorist - Eugene Hutz
the singing telegram - Alisa Burket
Wadsworth - Gary Oldman
Yvette - Sheri Moon-Zombie
Be seeing you.
-Sally
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