"Are you not the babysitter?"
The House Of The Devil is possibly the most slow-moving horror movie I've ever sat through. I generally have absolutely no patience for movies that move this slowly. If it had been any other movie I might have turned it off after nothing happened for nearly an hour.
(Okay, like, two things happened. Not really enough to hold a person's attention. Usually.)
The thing is, there was something about The House Of The Devil that kept me watching. There was enough in the first half hour or so to grab my attention enough that I wanted to know what happened. The lead character (Samantha) and her best friend were likeable enough and the couple Samantha was 'sitting for were odd enough that I was intrigued.
Most of the movie consists of Samantha wandering alone around the couple's old house and, really, nothing happening at all. And I don't know why, because ordinarily movies like this don't get this kind of reaction out of me, but it was insanely creepy. I spent most of the movie trying to burrow into my mattress, keeping my eyes mainly on the edges of the screen, in case something suddenly jumped out. I never do that! Ordinarily if I think something's going to leap out suddenly, I keep my eyes glued to the screen. Watching the edges of the screen is something that sissies do (albeit sissies who still want to seem brave and therefore don't cover their eyes and watch between their fingers).
Okay, so I'm a sissy.
What was kind of disappointing about The House Of The Devil was when stuff started happening. Eventually the action picks up and at first it's even worse than the slow, creeping dread of nothingness. For about a minute and a half I felt jolty and a little sick to my stomach.
Then I felt nothing.
It's not that the movie didn't live up to the slow, creeping dread of nothingness. It was still a fine and disturbing ending. It just ... wasn't as upsetting as it could have been. All that buildup that doesn't ordinarily work on me for a sufficiently messed up (and messy!) ending, but I guess I was expecting something more.
Oh well, I still highly recommend The House Of The Devil. Any movie that can make me that afraid of nothing must be doing something right.
(Oh, I also have to tip my hat to the fact that the movie looked and felt genuinely like an '80s movie. I never would have known it wasn't if the end credits hadn't said 2008.)
End of line.
-Sally
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Horrible Bosses
The previews for Horrible Bosses were pretty bad. They made it look, at best, unfunny and, at worst, upsetting. And, to the previews' credit, parts of the movie were kinda upsetting.
Luckily, the unfunny part was entirely false. I can't remember the last time a movie made me laugh that hard.
Admittedly, I'm biased toward the Charlie Day. Not only is he incredibly pleasant to look at, but he's got great comedic delivery. There's a reason he's my favorite person on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (two reasons, actually: the two I mentioned. Great delivery and extreme good-lookingness). He was, in fact, the only reason I agreed to see the movie at all.
In the end, though, the whole cast was spot on. Even Jennifer Aniston, who I ordinarily do not like, did a great job. I still didn't like her but that was the point. She is a Horrible Boss.
The premise: Three guys have horrible bosses. Jason Bateman's boss is Kevin Spacey, who is ... I believe the onscreen description of him was "Total Fucking Asshole." He psychologically tortures Jason Bateman because he's Kevin Spacey and he's good at playing that kind of character. (In Swimming With Sharks he played pretty much the same character and got paper cut tortured as a result. I never did finish that movie.)
Charlie Day's boss is Jennifer Aniston, who sexually harasses the hell out of him. And, sure, I think the man is beautiful but this bitch crosses, like, every line. Just because he's pretty doesn't make it justifiable.
Jason Sudekis starts out with an awesome Donald Sutherland boss, but he doesn't last and is replaced by a disgusting Colin Farrell with a combover and a cocaine addiction. (Right before the movie they showed a preview for the Fright Night remake (which looks fantastic) wherein Colin Farrell plays a vampire who looks like the opposite of his Horrible Bosses character. It was a nice juxtaposition.)
None of the three protagonists can get out of their jobs for one reason or another (career sabotage, love of the company, criminal record, that kind of thing) and finally decide their bosses need to die.
The rest of the movie is your typical comedy of errors. Except not typical because I ordinarily don't like that kind of movie and I loved this one. I don't know why or how Horrible Bosses succeeded where other movies of the genre fail, but I know it isn't entirely the Charlie Day factor because I was laughing just as hard at moments that didn't concern him at all as I was at his scenes.
I also liked seeing my uncle's name in the end credits. (If you'd like to see it, too, it's the last one listed under Set Dressers. Yay, Uncle Ricky!)
End of line.
-Sally
Luckily, the unfunny part was entirely false. I can't remember the last time a movie made me laugh that hard.
Admittedly, I'm biased toward the Charlie Day. Not only is he incredibly pleasant to look at, but he's got great comedic delivery. There's a reason he's my favorite person on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (two reasons, actually: the two I mentioned. Great delivery and extreme good-lookingness). He was, in fact, the only reason I agreed to see the movie at all.
In the end, though, the whole cast was spot on. Even Jennifer Aniston, who I ordinarily do not like, did a great job. I still didn't like her but that was the point. She is a Horrible Boss.
The premise: Three guys have horrible bosses. Jason Bateman's boss is Kevin Spacey, who is ... I believe the onscreen description of him was "Total Fucking Asshole." He psychologically tortures Jason Bateman because he's Kevin Spacey and he's good at playing that kind of character. (In Swimming With Sharks he played pretty much the same character and got paper cut tortured as a result. I never did finish that movie.)
Charlie Day's boss is Jennifer Aniston, who sexually harasses the hell out of him. And, sure, I think the man is beautiful but this bitch crosses, like, every line. Just because he's pretty doesn't make it justifiable.
Jason Sudekis starts out with an awesome Donald Sutherland boss, but he doesn't last and is replaced by a disgusting Colin Farrell with a combover and a cocaine addiction. (Right before the movie they showed a preview for the Fright Night remake (which looks fantastic) wherein Colin Farrell plays a vampire who looks like the opposite of his Horrible Bosses character. It was a nice juxtaposition.)
None of the three protagonists can get out of their jobs for one reason or another (career sabotage, love of the company, criminal record, that kind of thing) and finally decide their bosses need to die.
The rest of the movie is your typical comedy of errors. Except not typical because I ordinarily don't like that kind of movie and I loved this one. I don't know why or how Horrible Bosses succeeded where other movies of the genre fail, but I know it isn't entirely the Charlie Day factor because I was laughing just as hard at moments that didn't concern him at all as I was at his scenes.
I also liked seeing my uncle's name in the end credits. (If you'd like to see it, too, it's the last one listed under Set Dressers. Yay, Uncle Ricky!)
End of line.
-Sally
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Kung Fu Panda 2
Po deals with the fact that he was adopted while he helps the Furious Five save the world and kung fu from an evil peacock.
I liked Kung Fu Panda 2, but it didn't feel entirely cohesive as a movie. I spent most of the movie feeling like it was very close to the beginning. Then, in the last five minutes, it felt like the end. Kung Fu Panda 2 has no middle. At least, that's how it feels.
And it has a lot of really funny moments but overall I remember it as a crying movie. All the scenes with Po's dad, for instance, especially the scene where he explains how he adopted Po. (Thing that didn't help: The filmmakers used actual sounds of a human baby crying for the sound of baby Po crying.)
It was good, though. I liked it. Gary Oldman was, of course, wonderful as the evil peacock and, unlike the first movie, I didn't despise Tigeress this time around, so that's an improvement. And the funny moments were very, very funny.
End of line.
-Sally
I liked Kung Fu Panda 2, but it didn't feel entirely cohesive as a movie. I spent most of the movie feeling like it was very close to the beginning. Then, in the last five minutes, it felt like the end. Kung Fu Panda 2 has no middle. At least, that's how it feels.
And it has a lot of really funny moments but overall I remember it as a crying movie. All the scenes with Po's dad, for instance, especially the scene where he explains how he adopted Po. (Thing that didn't help: The filmmakers used actual sounds of a human baby crying for the sound of baby Po crying.)
It was good, though. I liked it. Gary Oldman was, of course, wonderful as the evil peacock and, unlike the first movie, I didn't despise Tigeress this time around, so that's an improvement. And the funny moments were very, very funny.
End of line.
-Sally
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Night At The Opera
So, I'm thinking the people who think this is the best Marx Brothers movie, maybe they've only seen the state room scene.
'Cause, don't get me wrong, it was good and the parts that had the Marxes in them were funny. But then there were all the scenes where a shrill soprano and a voice swallowing tenor sing for, like, an hour.
The scene in Groucho's hotel where they have breakfast and then Chico and Harpo have to hide from the police was probably my favorite.
You know, Marx Brothers movies are pretty much impossible to review. They're all basically the same review: I like the parts where the Marxes do things and the extraneous characters bore me. The end.
End of line.
-Sally
'Cause, don't get me wrong, it was good and the parts that had the Marxes in them were funny. But then there were all the scenes where a shrill soprano and a voice swallowing tenor sing for, like, an hour.
The scene in Groucho's hotel where they have breakfast and then Chico and Harpo have to hide from the police was probably my favorite.
You know, Marx Brothers movies are pretty much impossible to review. They're all basically the same review: I like the parts where the Marxes do things and the extraneous characters bore me. The end.
End of line.
-Sally
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Alice In Wonderland
Tim Burton and I broke up after Sweeney Todd. I tried to be nice about it, even saw it in the theaters four times trying to convince myself I liked it. After the fourth time, though, we had a huge fight and I said some very, very hurtful and insulting things (all of which I still think were justified).
Tim Burton, of course, did not respond because he was a figment of my imagination at the time (the real Tim Burton being unavailable due to the fact that we've never met and he was probably busy that day), but we agreed that I was simply too opinionated and he was simply too stagnant and repetitive (he has, like, three movies that he just makes over and over). I told him I was keeping the Sleepy Hollow and we went our seperate ways.
For years I'd clench my teeth at the mere mention of his name, but we're back on speaking terms of the polite but not necessarily friendly variety. I watched his Alice In Wonderland because I feel I don't have the right to complain about a movie I've never seen.
This is a movie whose previews I loudly, openly and shamelessly booed in theaters. You see, the main reason Tim Burton and I parted ways was that we realized we only got along when he was adapting things I didn't care about. For instance, The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow is a story I tried to read on more than one occasion but was never able to finish. Sleepy Hollow is, by far, Tim Burton's best movie. However, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street is one of my top five favorite musicals and Tim Burton (who claims it's the only musical he likes) only got one thing right: the gore. His movie has buckets and buckets of blood (yay!), less than adequate performances from everybody but Pirelli and Toby (as my friend Michelle put it: "It's really sad when the best actors in your movie are Borat and an eleven year old boy.") and twelve tons of missing the point. But I won't get into that. I'm not reviewing that movie.
So I went into Alice In Wonderland expecting to absolutely hate it. Instead I didn't hate it. I didn't like it, exactly. My reaction is complex and confused, and a good chunk of my problem could have been resolved by giving the movie a proper name: Return To Wonderland would have been more accurate.
The movie begins with Alice going to a garden party at which some snooty guy is going to propose to her (Alice is, like, eighteen in this version). The audience is supposed to know Alice is "different" (read "better") than the people around her because she thinks corsets are stupid and she's not interested in fitting into their society. Yawn. Like I've never heard that from every stupid movie ever; let's move on. (We also know Alice is a Tim Burton heroine because she looks as if she just spent the last two hours throwing up.)
Anyway, Alice runs away from her proposal to follow a white rabbit down a hole and she lands in Underland (it turns out "Wonderland" was her childish mispronunciation. You can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes right now), where the Red Queen has used her Jabberwocky and her Crispin Glover to take over power from her sister the White Queen. It's been told that on the Frabjous Day, Alice with use the Vorpal Sword to kill the Jabberwocky.
Okay, fuck this! Explaining anything from Jabberwocky takes everything that's magical away from the poem. I don't want to see some dumbass filmmakers' interpretations of what a frumious bandersnatch is. I don't want vorpal blade to mean anything. And I'm motherfucking sick of jabberwockys just being dragons. Quit trying to ruin a brilliant poem by trying to make it mean something. Stop perverting it to suit your needs. Whoever wrote this screenplay can bite me.
Alice spends the whole movie insisting she's not the Alice they're looking for and then bossing them around because it's her dream so she's in charge. (I don't like Alice in this movie.)
And why can't the White Queen kill the Jabberwocky herself? Because "my vows make me unable to hurt any living creature." I'm pretty sure she's related to Glinda from The Wizard Of Oz. "I want this person out of the way without getting my hands dirty; time to get an unsuspecting little girl to do my dirty work for me." They're like mobsters. "Good Witch" my ass.
Anyway, so Alice teams up with the Mad Hatter and all the animals in Wonderland to find the sword and defeat the Red Queen.
And at some point midway through the movie my teeth unclenched, my blood stopped boiling and I managed to just enjoy myself. Something happened at maybe forty five minutes in that made me just stop caring about all the stupid things that were annoying me and just be entertained. I liked that quite a lot.
It didn't last, though. Around the time Alice rode the bandersnactch back to the White Queen's palace, I started getting mad again and stayed mad for the rest of the movie (except for the execution scene; that was pretty good). And I tried. I tried really hard to let go, to not be mad, to just enjoy the movie. "Remember how good you felt fifteen minutes ago when you thought it wasn't bad? Remember?" I pleaded, but it didn't work. Whatever the movie did to offend me was enough for me to declare war on Freedonia. (It called me an upstart?) (In this case "declare war on Freedonia" means "scowl for the rest of the movie.")
I really hated the White Queen, Alice bugged the snot out of me, the Red Queen was awful, the Mad Hatter was trying too hard to be weird (also, he was occasionally Scottish; either be Scottish or don't, dude), the Doormouse was a bitch, the March Hare made me tense (I really didn't like how he was animated) ... I liked most of the other characters, though. The Cheshire Cat was very cool.
So, I don't know. It needed more of whatever was going right in the middle to make me stop being angry about the unlikeable characters and the attempts at de-magic-izing a great poem.
End of line.
-Sally
Tim Burton, of course, did not respond because he was a figment of my imagination at the time (the real Tim Burton being unavailable due to the fact that we've never met and he was probably busy that day), but we agreed that I was simply too opinionated and he was simply too stagnant and repetitive (he has, like, three movies that he just makes over and over). I told him I was keeping the Sleepy Hollow and we went our seperate ways.
For years I'd clench my teeth at the mere mention of his name, but we're back on speaking terms of the polite but not necessarily friendly variety. I watched his Alice In Wonderland because I feel I don't have the right to complain about a movie I've never seen.
This is a movie whose previews I loudly, openly and shamelessly booed in theaters. You see, the main reason Tim Burton and I parted ways was that we realized we only got along when he was adapting things I didn't care about. For instance, The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow is a story I tried to read on more than one occasion but was never able to finish. Sleepy Hollow is, by far, Tim Burton's best movie. However, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street is one of my top five favorite musicals and Tim Burton (who claims it's the only musical he likes) only got one thing right: the gore. His movie has buckets and buckets of blood (yay!), less than adequate performances from everybody but Pirelli and Toby (as my friend Michelle put it: "It's really sad when the best actors in your movie are Borat and an eleven year old boy.") and twelve tons of missing the point. But I won't get into that. I'm not reviewing that movie.
So I went into Alice In Wonderland expecting to absolutely hate it. Instead I didn't hate it. I didn't like it, exactly. My reaction is complex and confused, and a good chunk of my problem could have been resolved by giving the movie a proper name: Return To Wonderland would have been more accurate.
The movie begins with Alice going to a garden party at which some snooty guy is going to propose to her (Alice is, like, eighteen in this version). The audience is supposed to know Alice is "different" (read "better") than the people around her because she thinks corsets are stupid and she's not interested in fitting into their society. Yawn. Like I've never heard that from every stupid movie ever; let's move on. (We also know Alice is a Tim Burton heroine because she looks as if she just spent the last two hours throwing up.)
Anyway, Alice runs away from her proposal to follow a white rabbit down a hole and she lands in Underland (it turns out "Wonderland" was her childish mispronunciation. You can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes right now), where the Red Queen has used her Jabberwocky and her Crispin Glover to take over power from her sister the White Queen. It's been told that on the Frabjous Day, Alice with use the Vorpal Sword to kill the Jabberwocky.
Okay, fuck this! Explaining anything from Jabberwocky takes everything that's magical away from the poem. I don't want to see some dumbass filmmakers' interpretations of what a frumious bandersnatch is. I don't want vorpal blade to mean anything. And I'm motherfucking sick of jabberwockys just being dragons. Quit trying to ruin a brilliant poem by trying to make it mean something. Stop perverting it to suit your needs. Whoever wrote this screenplay can bite me.
Alice spends the whole movie insisting she's not the Alice they're looking for and then bossing them around because it's her dream so she's in charge. (I don't like Alice in this movie.)
And why can't the White Queen kill the Jabberwocky herself? Because "my vows make me unable to hurt any living creature." I'm pretty sure she's related to Glinda from The Wizard Of Oz. "I want this person out of the way without getting my hands dirty; time to get an unsuspecting little girl to do my dirty work for me." They're like mobsters. "Good Witch" my ass.
Anyway, so Alice teams up with the Mad Hatter and all the animals in Wonderland to find the sword and defeat the Red Queen.
And at some point midway through the movie my teeth unclenched, my blood stopped boiling and I managed to just enjoy myself. Something happened at maybe forty five minutes in that made me just stop caring about all the stupid things that were annoying me and just be entertained. I liked that quite a lot.
It didn't last, though. Around the time Alice rode the bandersnactch back to the White Queen's palace, I started getting mad again and stayed mad for the rest of the movie (except for the execution scene; that was pretty good). And I tried. I tried really hard to let go, to not be mad, to just enjoy the movie. "Remember how good you felt fifteen minutes ago when you thought it wasn't bad? Remember?" I pleaded, but it didn't work. Whatever the movie did to offend me was enough for me to declare war on Freedonia. (It called me an upstart?) (In this case "declare war on Freedonia" means "scowl for the rest of the movie.")
I really hated the White Queen, Alice bugged the snot out of me, the Red Queen was awful, the Mad Hatter was trying too hard to be weird (also, he was occasionally Scottish; either be Scottish or don't, dude), the Doormouse was a bitch, the March Hare made me tense (I really didn't like how he was animated) ... I liked most of the other characters, though. The Cheshire Cat was very cool.
So, I don't know. It needed more of whatever was going right in the middle to make me stop being angry about the unlikeable characters and the attempts at de-magic-izing a great poem.
End of line.
-Sally
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Bible ... In The Beginning
Yesterday at Amoeba I talked some guy into buying volume one of The Prisoner. I hope he likes it. He decided he wanted to recommend something to me, too, and The Bible ... In The Beginning was what he came up with (after suggesting a few things I'd already seen).
Holy crap, this movie is long! It's one of those sweeping Dino De Launrentiis epics that is three hours long that I've heard so much about but never actually seen before now.
Parts of it lost me; I only really understood the segments based on Bible stories with which I was already familiar (due mainly to cultural osmosis since I was raised pretty religionless). I took notes while I was watching the movie and I figured the easiest way to review the movie would be simply to share my notes and elaborate if need be. Here goes:
"Guns And Religion: Now More Than Ever" - Oh yeah, on the way to Amoeba yesterday I got cut off by a truck with a bumper sticker that said that. It pissed me off for a multitude of reasons and I'm still trying to figure out what religion the guy is; I can't think of any pro-gun religions. (Also, when he cut me off I yelled "Jesus Christ!" After I read his bumper sticker I added "I oughta shoot you." See, 'cause it's funny 'cause ... meh. Forget it.)
Why do people still believe this but not ancient Roman / Greek gods? - Isn't it all kinda the same thing?
Don't eat from the Tree Of Knowledge "lest you die" - Intelligence kills. I feel like that explains a lot, at least in terms of overly religious politicians.
That apple is gold.
Is that a different Adam? - At a certain point Michael Parks looks totally different and I can't figure out why. He's the only Adam credited, though, so I guess it's still him.
"Be fruitful and multiply" then "your punishment is bearing children." - Wait, how can you punish Eve for eating the apple by making her have kids when you already told her to multiply?
Cain and Abel's offerings = God's a dick - "Abel, your offering is bountiful and made of animals. This pleases me. ... Cain, your offering is just as honest but it's paltry and made of grapes. Therefore I hate you." Fuck you too, God!
Cain invented murder and lying?
Revenge is okay and encouraged = God's a dick - First God hates Cain for making a paltry sacrifice, then God hates Cain for inventing murder, then God says whoever kills Cain will be blessed seven times over or something like that. Way to have double standards, you jerk? Why the hell do you hate Cain so fucking much?
Where did Cain's wife come from? - Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel and eventually went off and got a wife and had some kids. Where'd that wife come from? She wasn't one of Adam and Eve's kids, but Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth. Who's this mystery wife? Where did she come from?
In fact, where did all these scads of people come from? - Suddenly the world is heavily populated. When the crap did that happen?
I like Noah. He seems nice.
God plays favorites a lot.
I've never seen a version where Noah had a whole family before.
Cubits must be huge!
AMINALS! ... I'm having an Elmyra moment.
Great, now I have The Unicorn running through my head.
This animal job is impossible. - So God tells Noah to build an ark and put two of each kind of animal on it so that they'll all survive the flood. First of all, what's going to stop the carnivores from killing all the other animals? Well, the movie kind of cleared that up with Noah saying they have some sort of magic animal wisdom that tells them what the situation is so the're being good and not killing anybody. Okay, fine. That doesn't change the fact that none of these animals' natural habitat is "on a giganamous boat with every other kind of animal in the world." No amount of magical animal wisdom is going to save them from the fact that penguins belong in the antarctic or hippos needing bodies of water to splash about in. And what about fish and aquatic mammals and such? They obviously didn't get brought into the ark since the flooding can't hurt them any. So are they ridiculously overpopulated now since they all got to live, rather than just two of them?
It must've been smelly. Maybe Noah was anosmic?
Why do Bible characters only ever have sons? - Adam and Eve had sons, Noah had a bunch of sons, Jacob had a bunch of sons, Abraham had two sons (even though everyone thinks Ishmael doesn't count for some reason). That doesn't generally happen. And if all anybody ever had were sons, where do all their wives come from?
"The glory of Nimrod shines beyond the sun." Hahaha!
I understood the first two stories but now I'm lost.
George C. Scott! I love that guy!
What is going on now? George C. Scott is leading an expedition and he wants to have a kid? So God told him to kill a bunch of livestock?
George C. Scott gets all the ladies.
First she wanted him to sleep with her maid, now she regrets it.
The maid's name is Hagar? She's an unfunny viking comic strip?
Poor Ishmael. His dad's playing favorites with a kid who doesn't exist.
I'm lost again.
Ooh, smiting!
Smite! Smite! Smite!
How long have I been watching this movie?
Okay, now it's Sodom and Gomorroah? - When I was a kid, I thought Sodom And Gomorrah were people. And I probably thought they solved mysteries on television in the 1980s (along with Jake And The Fat Man, Simon And Simon, Cagney And Lacey, McMillan And Wife and Starsky And Hutch).
Salt! Salt! Salt!
Dude, that was, like, an atomic blast. I didn't know they had atomic blasts in Biblical times.
Abraham just got a sarcastic slow clap for his wife having a baby.
"Hey Abraham, kill your son! ... Just kidding!" = God's a dick - Seriously, what is with this guy? These Bible stories are not putting me on God's side. Did Satan write these stories? "This'll get people worshipping me instead." (Good thing I don't believe in Hell or I'd probably end up there for that one.)
That kid is never going to trust you ever again, George C. Scott.
That was the last note. It was a good enough movie while I was watching it, but I don't think I'll bother sitting through it again. Except maybe the Noah's Ark segment. I like that story (plot holes and all) and I loved seeing all the animals.
End of line.
-Sally
Holy crap, this movie is long! It's one of those sweeping Dino De Launrentiis epics that is three hours long that I've heard so much about but never actually seen before now.
Parts of it lost me; I only really understood the segments based on Bible stories with which I was already familiar (due mainly to cultural osmosis since I was raised pretty religionless). I took notes while I was watching the movie and I figured the easiest way to review the movie would be simply to share my notes and elaborate if need be. Here goes:
"Guns And Religion: Now More Than Ever" - Oh yeah, on the way to Amoeba yesterday I got cut off by a truck with a bumper sticker that said that. It pissed me off for a multitude of reasons and I'm still trying to figure out what religion the guy is; I can't think of any pro-gun religions. (Also, when he cut me off I yelled "Jesus Christ!" After I read his bumper sticker I added "I oughta shoot you." See, 'cause it's funny 'cause ... meh. Forget it.)
Why do people still believe this but not ancient Roman / Greek gods? - Isn't it all kinda the same thing?
Don't eat from the Tree Of Knowledge "lest you die" - Intelligence kills. I feel like that explains a lot, at least in terms of overly religious politicians.
That apple is gold.
Is that a different Adam? - At a certain point Michael Parks looks totally different and I can't figure out why. He's the only Adam credited, though, so I guess it's still him.
"Be fruitful and multiply" then "your punishment is bearing children." - Wait, how can you punish Eve for eating the apple by making her have kids when you already told her to multiply?
Cain and Abel's offerings = God's a dick - "Abel, your offering is bountiful and made of animals. This pleases me. ... Cain, your offering is just as honest but it's paltry and made of grapes. Therefore I hate you." Fuck you too, God!
Cain invented murder and lying?
Revenge is okay and encouraged = God's a dick - First God hates Cain for making a paltry sacrifice, then God hates Cain for inventing murder, then God says whoever kills Cain will be blessed seven times over or something like that. Way to have double standards, you jerk? Why the hell do you hate Cain so fucking much?
Where did Cain's wife come from? - Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel and eventually went off and got a wife and had some kids. Where'd that wife come from? She wasn't one of Adam and Eve's kids, but Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth. Who's this mystery wife? Where did she come from?
In fact, where did all these scads of people come from? - Suddenly the world is heavily populated. When the crap did that happen?
I like Noah. He seems nice.
God plays favorites a lot.
I've never seen a version where Noah had a whole family before.
Cubits must be huge!
AMINALS! ... I'm having an Elmyra moment.
Great, now I have The Unicorn running through my head.
This animal job is impossible. - So God tells Noah to build an ark and put two of each kind of animal on it so that they'll all survive the flood. First of all, what's going to stop the carnivores from killing all the other animals? Well, the movie kind of cleared that up with Noah saying they have some sort of magic animal wisdom that tells them what the situation is so the're being good and not killing anybody. Okay, fine. That doesn't change the fact that none of these animals' natural habitat is "on a giganamous boat with every other kind of animal in the world." No amount of magical animal wisdom is going to save them from the fact that penguins belong in the antarctic or hippos needing bodies of water to splash about in. And what about fish and aquatic mammals and such? They obviously didn't get brought into the ark since the flooding can't hurt them any. So are they ridiculously overpopulated now since they all got to live, rather than just two of them?
It must've been smelly. Maybe Noah was anosmic?
Why do Bible characters only ever have sons? - Adam and Eve had sons, Noah had a bunch of sons, Jacob had a bunch of sons, Abraham had two sons (even though everyone thinks Ishmael doesn't count for some reason). That doesn't generally happen. And if all anybody ever had were sons, where do all their wives come from?
"The glory of Nimrod shines beyond the sun." Hahaha!
I understood the first two stories but now I'm lost.
George C. Scott! I love that guy!
What is going on now? George C. Scott is leading an expedition and he wants to have a kid? So God told him to kill a bunch of livestock?
George C. Scott gets all the ladies.
First she wanted him to sleep with her maid, now she regrets it.
The maid's name is Hagar? She's an unfunny viking comic strip?
Poor Ishmael. His dad's playing favorites with a kid who doesn't exist.
I'm lost again.
Ooh, smiting!
Smite! Smite! Smite!
How long have I been watching this movie?
Okay, now it's Sodom and Gomorroah? - When I was a kid, I thought Sodom And Gomorrah were people. And I probably thought they solved mysteries on television in the 1980s (along with Jake And The Fat Man, Simon And Simon, Cagney And Lacey, McMillan And Wife and Starsky And Hutch).
Salt! Salt! Salt!
Dude, that was, like, an atomic blast. I didn't know they had atomic blasts in Biblical times.
Abraham just got a sarcastic slow clap for his wife having a baby.
"Hey Abraham, kill your son! ... Just kidding!" = God's a dick - Seriously, what is with this guy? These Bible stories are not putting me on God's side. Did Satan write these stories? "This'll get people worshipping me instead." (Good thing I don't believe in Hell or I'd probably end up there for that one.)
That kid is never going to trust you ever again, George C. Scott.
That was the last note. It was a good enough movie while I was watching it, but I don't think I'll bother sitting through it again. Except maybe the Noah's Ark segment. I like that story (plot holes and all) and I loved seeing all the animals.
End of line.
-Sally
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I Need That Record! The Death (Or Possible Survival) Od Independent Record Stores
Sniffle.
I Need That Record! is a documentary about why record stores are dying and how the music industry has changed over the past several decades. It mainly focuses on people who owned record stores (Electric Records and Trash American Style (both of which were in Connecticut, I believe) in particular) and what they're up to since losing their businesses.
I've always considered the death of record and video stores as the biggest sign that the world is ending, and I have been crying steadily for the past half hour. I don't like the place the world is becoming but I'm trapped in it.
It was a good documentary but it's also quite heartbreaking and I think I may have been better off not watching it. I'm very sad now.
On the other hand, I'm the one who put I Need That Record! in the Movie Lottery bucket, and when that piece of paper came out I said "I am going to cry." So I guess it's my own damn fault.
End of line.
-Sally
I Need That Record! is a documentary about why record stores are dying and how the music industry has changed over the past several decades. It mainly focuses on people who owned record stores (Electric Records and Trash American Style (both of which were in Connecticut, I believe) in particular) and what they're up to since losing their businesses.
I've always considered the death of record and video stores as the biggest sign that the world is ending, and I have been crying steadily for the past half hour. I don't like the place the world is becoming but I'm trapped in it.
It was a good documentary but it's also quite heartbreaking and I think I may have been better off not watching it. I'm very sad now.
On the other hand, I'm the one who put I Need That Record! in the Movie Lottery bucket, and when that piece of paper came out I said "I am going to cry." So I guess it's my own damn fault.
End of line.
-Sally
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